Tag Archives: vampires

Vampires Vs. The One Percent

As it turns out, the monsters of Wall Street have a lot in common with the monsters of the old silver screen. Let’s see just how similar these two groups are:

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Tweets From Count Dracula

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A Vampire's Guide to Looking Good

Not being able to see your own reflection can be a serious hurdle when it comes to looking your best. Despite this fact, vampires are notorious for their vanity, and often refuse to leave the house before their hair is combed just so or that makeup delivers the perfect appearance of sallow paleness. Whether you’ve got a date with a fellow bloodsucker or you’re just heading down to the corner to murder the living, here are some tips that’ll have you looking good no matter what the occasion.

Consider the “Bed-Head” Look

Catching all those cowlicks can be pretty difficult without the help of a mirror. Rather than fret about whether or not you’ve got a misplaced hair or two, why not roll with the punches and go with that “just rolled out of bed” look? With the help of a little sculpting gel, all it takes is a few tousles of the hair to look like you just came from an expensive hair salon.

If you’re an old-school vampire and prefer that classic 18th-century look that you grew up with, then other good options for hair include:

  • Using Pommade to achieve that slicked-back style
  • Pulling it back into a ponytail
  • Wearing a hat
  • Investing in a powdered wig

Buy Off the Mannequin

Way back when you were human, you might remember using a full-length mirror to help make sure those fine linen shirts matched your pantaloons. Now that you don’t have that luxury, you’ve probably found yourself playing it safe and dressing in a lot of black. While black is certainly classic, it’s still fun to mix up your cape colors every once in a while. As such, next time you visit the mall, consider doing yourself a favor and buying full outfits straight off the mannequin. If you like the way it looks on the mannequin, chances are you’ll also like the way it looks on you.

Enslave a Personal Stylist

When it comes to looking your best, sometimes it helps to get a second opinion. There are plenty of fashion stylists out there who make a living by helping celebrities and other very important people dress to impress. Since good help is often hard to find, it is recommended you suck the blood of your favorite celebrity stylist. Not only will this ensure an unbiased opinion (since you’re now his or her new vampire master), it will also ensure an eternity of good fashion tips from an expert that is no longer mortal.

Take Good Care of Those Teeth

Those pretty little fangs of yours are one of your greatest assets. To ensure they stay sexy and sharp, be sure to take good care of them. Proper fang maintenance should include:

  • Brushing twice daily with fluoride toothpaste
  • Flossing to get those finicky neck sinews out from in between teeth
  • Dental visits every six months
  • Using a home tooth whitening kit (remember, blood stains)

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The Movie Monster Maid Service

Life is too short to spend it cleaning dishes and mopping floors! Save yourself from the weekly “horrors” of chores and hire the Movie Monster Maid Service. Our trained staff of vampires, werewolves, mummies, swamp monsters and zombies is here to terrorize all that dirt and grime out of your lives once and for all!

The Movie Monster Maid Service was created over a decade ago by a group of monsters that was fed up with living on the outskirts of society. Sick of living in musty caves, abandoned castles and cobwebbed tombs, these entrepreneurial enemies of the world decided to clean up their image and go into business helping humans instead of murdering them.

Our team of maids is so good it’s scary! Upon entering your home, your monsters will immediately go to work with their feather dusters, mops and sponges to exterminate your soap scum and bite the heads off your dust bunnies. Each team member has a specialized job to ensure maximum efficiency and effectiveness:

Dracula: “Bleh! I want to suck your floors (with my vacuum)”

Mummy: “I’m a walking feather duster!”

Werewolf: “Me make windows sparkle like full moon”

Swamp Monster: “Tub scrub and pool cleaning.”

Zombie: “Draaaains! I clean your draaaaains!”

So what are you waiting for? Drive a wooden stake right through heart of your dirty drapes! Shoot a silver bullet into that cruddy commode! Rip out the brain and spinal cord of your moldy bathroom tile!

Pick up the phone and call the Movie Monster Maid Service today! We’ll get your home so spotless, that you’ll be howling at the moon with happiness!

Don’t forget, many of our monsters have supernatural powers – so we can clean where other maid services won’t dare to go! Werewolf’s super strength lifts furniture to attack those hidden dust balls.  Mummy puts a curse on mildew to kill it dead once and for all. Dracula transforms into a bat to reach smudges on high ceilings!

Stop being afraid of your dirty house and start taking action! Let our team of monsters “kidnap” your dirt and carry it kicking and screaming back to our “lair” (offices in the strip mall at Dover and Franklin) for total annihilation. Pick up the phone and call now!

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No Blood Sucking Within 30-Ft. of This Establishment

Vampires, it is against California law to suck the blood of your victims within 30-ft. of this establishment. Please respect the personal space of your fellow patrons and adhere to this law.

dracula4_185x295_bo_463285aFailure to abide to this law may result in a maximum fine of $45. Failure to pay this fine is considered a misdemeanor, and is subject to a sentence of 10 to 20 seconds of sun exposure.

And if you think you can just transform into a bat and fly away into the night before you have a chance to be fined, think again muster. Because we have giant butterfly nets and we know how to use them.

That said, please feel free to prey on any unsuspecting victims that may be careless enough to wander more than 30 feet from this establishment. It is, of course, your ungodly-given right to sink your sharp, piercing teeth into the necks of warm-blooded humans if you so choose (even if most of us consider it a disgusting habit).

For your convenience, we have drawn a chalk line to delineate the 30-foot mark. Additionally, a row of trashcans has been provided so that you may more easily ambush your prey – springing forth from behind them to catch them off guard.

Once you have finished your blood meal, please discard any unused portions of your human in one of trash bins marked “shriveled corpses.”

If you prefer not to drain the entire life force from your human – instead opting to transform him or her into another vampire – please be courteous and inform your new undead brethren of our 30-foot rule. As we say, an informed vampire is a happy vampire.

There will be no leniency in the enforcement of this rule. We apologize, but under no circumstances will we make an exception; not even if you are the great Count Dracula himself.

You have been warned.

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