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Tag Archives: health
How to Perform the Heimlich Maneuver
Knowing the Heimlich Maneuver may save you or someone else’s life one day. Review the graphic below to learn what to do when someone starts choking.
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10 Easy Ways to Lower Your Lifespan
Like Billy Joel says, “Only the good die young.” If you’d like to be one of these people, then there are plenty of things you can do to decrease your lifespan. Below are ten things that have been found to reduce life expectancy.
No, that’s not a typo…studies show booze prolongs lifespan. FYI: Follow all these tips and you’ll supposedly shed a full 74 years off your expiration date.
Options for Building Body Strength (CHART)
Are you looking to bulk up, tone up or just straight up get friggin ripped!? If so, then check out these popular options for building body strength to decide which method is right for you.
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How to Hide Your Rabies Symptoms
Rabies!
Did a feral animal, neighbor’s dog or your baby give you rabies? If so, then you are probably looking to keep your new and exciting brain virus a secret from friends and family. Let the word get out, after all, and pretty soon all your loved ones will be secretly plotting to put you out of your misery “Old Yeller style.” Additional reasons to keep your rabies a secret include:
- Inability to donate blood (and get free cookies)
- Reduced probability of ‘scoring’ on a date
- Job discrimination (studies show people with rabies are less likely to get a promotion)
- Biting strangers on the street is upgraded from misdemeanor to felony
As such, to live your life to its full potential before you eventually die of natural causes (i.e. sudden respiratory failure) keep these tips in mind to effectively hide rabies symptoms:
Hiding Excessive Saliva
Foaming at the mouth is the most obvious sign of rabies. To keep that saliva from constantly running down your mouth, consider:
- Eating lots of saltine crackers
- Stuffing cotton balls into your cheeks
- Taking up chewing tobacco so you can spit frequently
- Eating red candy and telling people you are simply “bleeding from the mouth”
Hiding Rabies Aggression
If you have rabies, then chances are you’ve gotten angry at least once since you started reading this article. Before you lunge forward and bite the computer again, maybe you should stop and think about how this behavior looks to the other co-workers in your office. To keep your aggression under check so you can avoid attacking all “those idiots” up in accounting, try these tips:
- Stop and count to ten before instinctively biting someone’s face off
- Steer clear of sports, political debates and other high emotion pastimes
- If you must kill, choose a prostitute or similar lost soul who won’t likely be missed
Hiding Rabies Seizures and Paralysis
In advanced stages of rabies, you will likely experience frequent seizures and muscle paralysis. Keep your loved ones from figuring out something is wrong by:
- Constantly listening to heavy metal music (if you have a seizure, it will look like you are just really getting into the music)
- Telling people you are rolling around in a wheelchair because you are “lazy”
- Laughing off slurred speech from face paralysis by calling it your “really bad Mick Jagger impression”
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Posted in How-To Guides
Tagged animals, comedy, fake news, funny, funny blog, health, humor, humor blog, jokes, rabies
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Piggyback Rides Replace Cigarettes as New Prison Currency
Piggyback rides have replaced cigarettes as the preferred type of currency in the San Quentin Correctional Facility in Marin County, California, according to prison officials.
The move comes largely due to decreased demand for cigarettes within the borders of the prison walls. Just as the larger society is trending towards healthier lifestyle choices, so too are our nation’s most dangerous inmates. This desire to improve personal habits has dramatically reduced the amount of cigarette smokers at San Quentin.
Struggling to find a new product that is more in demand than tobacco, inmates quickly settled on piggyback rides. The idea – which was proposed by three-time murderer and current inmate Rocko Colton – was initially met with resistance by the majority of the prisoners at the maximum-security facility.
One free piggyback ride around the yard was all it took to change their minds, however.
In response to this inaugural piggyback ride, inmate Walter Smalls best summed up the majority viewpoint of the entire criminal population when he said, “Weeeeeeeeeeee!”
According to prison officials, piggyback rides have proven a remarkably good alternative to cigarettes. As one correctional officer puts it, “they’re readily available, enjoyable and addictive – everything a cigarette is without the death.” And, as Mr. Colton adds, “Just plain mother fucking fun.”
The success of the change has brought about numerous other “health-conscious” prison changes. For example, whereas inmates once handed out stabbings and other forms of violence to show their disapproval for enemy behavior, the new technique is to simply hand out pieces of paper with big frowny faces drawn on them.
According to inmates, the new tactic eliminates unhealthy blood loss while still “getting the point across.”
Additionally, instead of doing illicit drugs, inmates have gotten hooked on tickle fights – which are obviously just as intoxicating without any of the nasty side effects.
Based on anonymous sources, the average tickle fight has a current street value of three-minutes of piggyback rides. For the really good shit, however, the “pony” needs to throw in some extra neighing and trotting sounds.
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Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged comedy, fake news, funny, funny blog, health, humor, humor blog, jokes, parenting, parody, prison, satire, spoof
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How to Live a Normal Life Without Your Tongue
For most, talking, eating and stamp licking is as easy as opening the mouth and letting that tongue do what it does best. However, for those who don’t have a tongue, even the easiest daily tasks can prove difficult.
Reasons for not having a tongue are numerous, and include:
- Having mouth cancer
- Being convicted of treason
- Licking the cake batter with the beaters still on
- Getting hungry, eating it
- Being a jellyfish
Regardless of how you lost your tongue, it in no way means you can’t live a normal, healthy life. Keep reading to learn some tips for the tongue-less on living life to its fullest:
Having Conversations
Technically, talking is still possible without your tongue. And if you don’t mind sounding really, really stupid or getting mistaken for a deaf person, then I suppose this is still an option for you. For everyone else that is rightfully embarrassed by such an idea, you’ll probably want to become the strong, silent type at your next dinner party.
However, a good alternative to painful one-on-one conversations awaits the tongue-less online. Armed with your trusty keyboard, you’ll have endless opportunities to chat with friends or tell some anonymous blogger how “gay” he is.
Eating Food
Sadly, without your tongue’s taste buds, eating food is an exceptionally boring experience. To improve your enjoyment during dinnertime, try impressing your friends by showing them how many peas, marshmallows or spoonfuls of pudding you can fit into that cavernous, gaping hole behind your teeth. With all the laughter and clapping coming from your fellow dinner patrons, you’ll forget all about the fact that everything you just ate tasted like Styrofoam.
Kissing
If you’re lucky, then that significant physical impairment of yours means you’ll never have to worry about kissing another man or woman again. However, if you do happen to find someone kind, caring, or drunk enough to kiss you, then do yourself a favor and keep that mouth closed. While not as fun or sloppy as the classic French kiss, going at it Kindergarten style can still be plenty fun.
Whistling
Individuals who have previously won bird-calling competitions often have the most difficulty transitioning into a life without a tongue. While your days of blue ribbons and blurbs in the local interest section of the newspaper are likely over, the truth is that not being able to whistle doesn’t really reduce your quality of life all that much. If you’re a hunter, then there are plenty of products out there that can help you recreate bird calls. And for those times when you just plain feel like whistlin’ Dixie or telling a random girl on the street that you find her attractive, a good old fashion slide whistle can be just as effective.
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Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged comedy, fake news, funny, funny blog, health, humor, humor blog, jokes, parody, satire, self help, spoof, the onion, tongue
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