Tag Archives: crime

Suburban Thugs

There is often a different breed of criminals in suburbia. Check a few of the biggest offenders below:

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Exclusive: Criminal Records for the Cast of Seinfeld (Pics)

Pleated Jeans has uncovered official state documents of the notorious Seinfeld Four. As you may recall, these four notorious cohorts were incarcerated in 1998 for failure to render aid to a fat man who was being robbed in Latham, MA. However, as these criminal files indicate, the four have a long history of run-ins with the law:

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List of Oompa-Loompa Employee Discharges From Wonka Factory

Name: Glowbo

  • Reason for discharge: stole Fizzy Lifting Drink
  • Date of employment: 1974 to 1975
  • Current location: VP of Slugworth Industries

Name: Fluffet

  • Reason for discharge: pushed a fat kid into the chocolate river
  • Date of employment: 1976 to 1978
  • Current location: incarcerated at Rikers Island Maximum Security Prison

Name: Smudgie

  • Reason for discharge: couldn’t sing; messed up choreography of dance number
  • Date of employment: 1978 o 1978
  • Current location: “Senior Elf” at Santa’s Happy Village in Des Moines. Iowa

Name: Poofer

  • Reason for discharge: embezzled cocoa beans
  • Date of employment: 1977 to 1982
  • Current location: out on probation, serves as a consultant for Nestle

Name: Winx

  • Reason for discharge: When asked to work on Saturday, flipped off Mr. Wonka
  • Date of Employment: 1996 to 1998
  • Current Location: Professional skateboarder

Name: Uzzie

  • Reason for discharge: Improperly touching a guest during de-juicing process
  • Date of employment: 1971 to 1971
  • Current Location: Deceased

Name: Zumph

  • Reason for discharge: sex with goose
  • Date of employment: 1985 to 1988
  • Current location: returned to Loompaland, where animal husbandry laws are more lax

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Donny’s School for Dungeon Masters

Are you a peasant or nobleman looking to start your own business? Do you have leadership skills and a passion for breaking the human spirit? Would you like to pursue your hobby of torturing prisoners AND get paid to do it? If so, then a rewarding and profitable career in the fast-paced industry of dungeon torture is for you!

Turn the wheel...to success!

For more than 20 years (founded 1052 AD), Donny’s School for Dungeon Masters has been the premier training center for dungeon-based professionals. Upon graduation of our program, more than 90 percent of our students go on to take such exciting positions as:

With our comprehensive program, you’ll graduate with the advanced knowledge necessary to give yourself the hiring edge against the competition. Today’s corrupt noblemen won’t hire just anybody to torture our nation’s thieves, witches and scientific heretics. They want experienced, hard-working employees that won’t put that whip down until they’ve extracted a confession (truthful or not).

In as little as 15 months, you’ll find yourself in an underground dungeon or prison tower beating the heck out of some vile prisoner that questioned the king’s authority or couldn’t afford to pay his taxes.

At Donny’s School for Dungeon Masters, our comprehensive programs cover such topics as:

  • Sleep deprivation
  • Proper whipping technique (use those knees!)
  • Effective name-calling
  • Demoralization
  • Filing paperwork to track prisoner progress

Our classes are taught by knowledgeable faculty members with real-world experience in the industry. Receive hands-on instruction as they teach you how to maximize pain and suffering while minimizing the potential for prisoner unconsciousness.

So what are you waiting for? If you want to earn a living and make up to 100 gold coins a month, then stop worrying about your fellow man and start whipping him instead! Don’t wait another minute! Visit the Donny’s School of Dungeon Masters closest to you today to learn more and enroll!

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FAQs About My Duel With Tex

Hi friends! As some of you may already know, I will be attempting to murder Tex in a good old-fashioned duel this upcoming Saturday. As it is my first gun duel, I’ve got to say I’m pretty freaking psyched. Anyway, it would be really cool if you could come out and cheer me on as I try and send that big jerk into the afterlife.  Hopefully any questions you have about the event can be found below. Thanks, and hope to see you there!

Why do you want to shoot Tex dead?

Because this town isn’t big enough for the two of us. He’s been giving me the stink eye for weeks. Also, I think he’s been kind of sore at me ever since I thwarted his attempt to grab the mayor’s daughter and carry her off on horseback kicking and screaming to that camp he has on the outskirts of town. This has made him really snippy towards me whenever he sees me in the saloon, and frankly, I’m sick of it.

To put it bluntly: he’s a bad apple. And as we all know, bad apples need to be pumped full of lead and buried in a pine box.

What time is the duel?

High noon (duh).

Where is the duel?

In the middle of that one dirt road that goes through town (double duh).

What can I do to help?

Really, just be there for moral support. Having the crowd advantage can do a lot to help psyche a gunslinger up so he can be more on his game. Of course, Tex will probably have his whole posse there, so I’ll need you all to chant my name louder and more excitedly then all those opposing spectators. Wearing blue (the color of my favorite t-shirt) may also be helpful.

Do I need to bring anything?

Signs with clever slogans or my name on it are strongly encouraged. That way, you could hold up the signs during the duel to let everyone know your personal opinions on who you think should win. Also – and this is purely optional – if someone could bring a tumbleweed so we can roll it between me and Tex before the duel starts, that would be a super cool mood-setter.

Oh! And if any of you happen to know Ennio Morricone, then you could totally ask him to bring some cool, suspenseful background music for the duel (but again, optional).

What if you lose the duel?

Tex is obviously the bad guy in this duel, which makes me the hero. As such, I am highly favored to win. However, on the off chance I do get shot, I want someone in the crowd – preferably a lovely lady – to rush to my side. That way, I can say something really touching and important right before I die. Something like, “It’s too late for me, but not for Joey. Take care of him for me” (Joey is a kid orphan that I intend to bond with over the next few days).

Ok, well then what happens when you win?

Pizza party at my house!!!

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Monopoly Land Police Reports

2:36 AM: A Top Hat was found unconscious with multiple knife wounds in the back alley of the 3100 block of Baltic Avenue. Though medics rushed the Top Hat to St. James Place Medical Hospital, the victim was deemed “unwearable” and discarded shortly thereafter.

8:24 AM: A Thimble has been arrested and charged with last turn’s accusations of theft. Upon searching Indiana Avenue – one of the suspect’s many properties – the missing community chest cards were found stuffed underneath the edge of the board. The Thimble has been sent to jail. He did not pass Go and did not receive $200.

10:52 AM: Police reported to an apparent suicide on the premises of the B&O Railroad. Upon arrival, a Boot was found mangled and crushed on the eastbound train tracks. A note near the victim suggests the motive was bankruptcy.

1:31 PM: A property owner who failed to report a bank error in his favor was arrested between North Carolina Avenue and Pennsylvania Avenue.

3:12: PM: Police were dispatched to the Water Works to investigate reports of trespassing. Upon arriving, a Wheel Barrow was discovered and escorted from the property. Since the Wheel Barrow did not own the property, it was ordered to roll a die and pay the utility owner a total of ten times the amount thrown.

6:44 PM: An Iron was stopped along Marvin Gardens on suspicion of breaking out of jail. However, a review of the Iron’s previous position on the board revealed that the Iron was actually “Just Visiting,” and was not, in fact, an inmate.

7:03 PM: Police are still searching for the apparent serial killer that has already murdered a number of wealthy property owners in the city. Anyone seeing an elderly, well-dressed man wearing a top hat and wielding a cane is urged to contact authorities immediately.

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