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Tag Archives: bears
There are many reasons why you might be looking to put a bear in a headlock. These reasons include:
- Win a bet
- Impress a girl
- Get a cool new Facebook profile pic
- Bond with a hillbilly relative
- Compensate for the size of your penis
Regardless of your motivation, the truth is that with the right method, anyone can put a big ol’ grizzly bear into a submissive headlock (yes, even if you’ve only got a wobbly pair of noodle arms). To do so, just follow these easy steps:
Get Stinking Drunk
If you’re over the age of 21, then you’ve probably noticed that most intimidating tasks are much easier to accomplish when drunk (asking out a girl, driving, performing oral surgery, etc.). This is because alcohol (a.k.a. liquid courage) helps drown out that “rational” conscience of yours that tells you you’re doing something “stupid” (like attacking a bear).
Find a Bear
This step is obvious, but depending on where you live, finding a bear to perform wrestling moves on may be difficult. To improve your chances of finding a bear, consider checking these places:
- Forest cave
- The Hundred Acre Wood
Smell Like Food
Bears are naturally afraid of humans (due to our superior wrestling skills). As such, it’ll take some trickery to get the bear within arm’s reach. Here are some food-centric ways to do so:
- Carry food in a backpack
- Chocolate-scented body wash
- Cover self in honey
- “Pizza hat”
Once the bear has a good whiff of you, it’s time to get down on the ground and play dead. This will make the bear think that you are dead, and totally not capable of pulling off awesome wrestling moves.
What the bear doesn’t know, is that he is a sucker.
Check the Sex of the Bear
Once the bear is close enough, you’ll want to get a close look at the bear’s crotch. If you see a penis, proceed to the next step. If not, stand down and let the lady sniff you and be on her way. Remember, attacking a lady is NEVER acceptable – even in the woods.
Dirt in Your Eye!
When the bear starts munching on your pizza hat, BAM – it’s time to spring into action by flinging dirt in his eye. Unable to see, now’s your chance to jump on the bear’s back and wrap your arms around that hairy neck. SUCCESS! You now have a bear in a headlock! To relish the victory, consider doing these things before you let go:
- Use your phone to snap a photo
- Give the bear a noogie
- Try and get the bear to “say uncle”
- Throw in a piledriver for good measure
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Let’s face it: winter sucks. Freezing weather, holiday shopping, visits from the in-laws – with all the stresses of this loathsome season, one wonders why the almighty Zeus invented winter in the first place.
Wouldn’t it be great if there were some way to just skip the whole devilish season altogether? You know, jump right from the vibrant forest fireworks of autumn into the dewy grass and flowers of spring?
As it turns out, you only need look to nature for the answer: hibernation. That’s right, hibernation. Now, more than ever, humans are taking a cue from the stupider, more worthless creatures of the animal kingdom and choosing to sleep through nature’s most boring and irrelevant seasons.
If you want to get in on this growing trend, then here are the steps you need to follow to ensure you spend your winter in a nice, long state of comatose suspended animation:
If you’re going to be asleep for three months, then you’re going to need plenty of body fat stored up to ensure you make it through your nap without dying of malnutrition. Given that it is already December, you have probably already packed on a good 20 to 30 pounds in preparation by now (thank you Thanksgiving).
To pack on those final 50 pounds, you’ll want to eat plenty of high-fat foods. For best results, nature tells us that the best tactic is to stand in an open stream and catch the fatty sock-eye salmon in your mouth as they swim upstream.
Find a Good Place to Sleep
You’re going to be in your winter bed for a long time. As such, you better get out there and start staking your claim for a killer place to lay your weary head. Good options include a secluded cave, a hole in the ground or the back guest bedroom of your home. Whatever the location, be sure to hide your spot from other hibernators by covering the entrance with a bunch of dead leaves and wooden branches.
Tip: when the time comes to lay down and go to sleep, transform those leaves into a soft, cushy mattress for maximum maxin’ and relaxin.’
Program Your DVR
The one downside of skipping winter is the fact that you’ll miss out on all the new episodes of your favorite shows. To ensure you don’t wake up a grumpy Gus in March, plan ahead and program your DVR in advance. To make sure there’s enough room for three months of quality TV programming, go ahead and delete all those old episodes of Celebrity Fit Club and Psych.
Buy Some of Ben Stein’s Books on Tape
Are you wondering how you’re possibly going to stay asleep for a whole three months? If so, the answer is Ben Stein‘s voice. With his drab, monotone articulation playing on a continuous loop via your iPod nano, you won’t have a problem sleeping like a log for 2,160 hours straight.
Tip: If possible, find a cave or hole that has an electrical outlet (this will help keep your iPod charged)
Store Food for the Spring
No matter how fat you are to begin with, you’re going to wake up awfully hungry once spring rolls around. To make sure you’ve got a good meal set aside come consciousness, plan ahead and store up some food for easy consumption. To accomplish this, go ahead and prepare your favorite meal now – lasagna, sandwiches, a whole turkey, etc. Then, to make sure no one stumbles upon it during your slumber, bury it in your backyard.
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