Mike
Please enjoy this list of musings from some of Twitter’s finest.
https://twitter.com/Themurderboner/status/701961088573820931
I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) February 12, 2014
People say underwear models are usually dumb. Well, they figured out a career where they don't have to wear pants at work. Who's smart now?
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) February 26, 2016
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) June 4, 2014
Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything just put a cape on their dog
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) December 6, 2015
The coolest path between two points is The Worm
— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) May 7, 2013
My four year old talks in BuzzFeed headlines: "You Won't Believe This: I Was Riding My Scooter and I Saw A Squirrel"
— Unoriginal Tweeter (@LostCatDog) February 21, 2016
im on my knees, pleading with my math teacher to let us do subtraction in class. she says addition is more important but i beg to differ
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) February 22, 2016
All I'm saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we're all french toast.
— scott linnen (@ScottLinnen) August 4, 2014
MATHMETICIAN: You’re acute
TRIANGLE: I have a boyfriend— Paige (@PeachCoffin) February 20, 2016
Dress for the job the aliens will give you when they land.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) January 20, 2016
*tries to impress date by ordering in Spanish at Taco Bell*
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) November 20, 2015
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 25, 2016
my diet is mostly food you feed little league teams after losing big games
— extremely online guy (@nickmullen) April 11, 2012
if both basketball teams just worked together they could score so many more points
— hawk (@hawktherapper) April 20, 2014