Mike
Make sure you’re in a safe place to LOL at this week’s list of fantastic tweets.
My boyfriend and I just got to 24th base! (I picked up his underwear and smelled it to see if it should go in the hamper.)
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) February 11, 2016
Food delivery is a combination of my three favorite things:
1. Food
2. Not moving
3. Avoiding people— TokenSuperhero (@MarcusTheToken) July 18, 2011
I know we haven't talked in awhile but I've been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
— olll (@dulcetry) April 22, 2015
No, the Church of Satan I go to is different. Very chill. No black robes or chants. You can wear jeans. It's about the relationships.
— Lady Broseph, LPC (@ladybroseph) January 12, 2014
someone asked me "what's your thing?" and I was like, "feeling misunderstood." but I think they meant like skiing or music or something
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) February 8, 2016
We tightly held hands amidst the winter majesty, watching the flurries surround us until he left because I overdid it on the dandruff jokes.
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) January 26, 2013
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) March 31, 2014
If you can't handle the murder mystery lifestyle then there's the revolving bookshelf. Use it.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) December 29, 2013
Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed
— Mike F (@mikefossey) June 24, 2014
https://twitter.com/crushingbort/status/657675237211926528
Katana is Japanese for "sword". In Japan they have great respect for swords and their moms dont knock them off the wall while vacuuming
— Alex Nichols (@Lowenaffchen) April 27, 2014
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) August 10, 2015
Your favorite chip flavor should sound like something an old-fashioned newspaper editor would exclaim. That's why mine is Sweet Maui Onion.
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) April 9, 2014
https://twitter.com/philyuck/status/388841235613380608
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 15, 2015