Feast your eyes on this list of exemplary tweets.
My uncle owns a farm, for $20 he'll let you punch a cow
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 1, 2015
Dad, who's Daniel Day-Lewis? *Dad peers out the blinds* He could be anyone, son. *Mom starts weeping* He could be anyone.
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) July 18, 2013
MTV, I am Werner Herzog and this is my crib. It is but temporary refuge from nature's fury. The walls were once trees. I made them traitors.
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) August 13, 2014
Pearl Jam announced their tour dates today, if you're looking for a fun way to teach your kids their vowels.
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) January 19, 2016
The world must never see the grim intensity of my face when i text back "hahahahaha"
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 21, 2016
SCIENCE: This is true.
HALF OF AMERICA: No.
— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) March 20, 2015
Sometimes I think my dog wouldn't understand social media, but then he pees on the same 12 trash cans each day and I think, nah, he gets it.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 19, 2016
I miss the good ol' days when growing a beard just meant you had given up on life.
— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) February 19, 2015
gotta carry around tiny clothes that would fit a frog, because listen, if u meet a frog & instantly have clothes for him? ur that frogs dude
— public affairs? keep mine private! (from my wife) (@ruinedpicnic) December 20, 2015
me: you dim sum, you lose some
waiter (in chinese to other waiter): poison this man— dan mentos (@DanMentos) January 20, 2016
I eat like I have to move on to the next challenge
— Meth Lab for Cutie (@kiralc) March 7, 2013
im in love with a factory worker *factory explodes in the distance* who died recently
— meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) January 17, 2016
I just want to sleep so long that my brain runs out of dream ideas.
— denise (@Stellacopter) January 5, 2016
it says here on your résumé that you can speak french but you don't want to
— WigCannon (@WigCannon) January 15, 2016
I say "Have a good one" instead of "Have a nice day" because I'm so mysterious. One what? You just don't know!
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) February 7, 2013