Mike
Hope your weekend was as good as this list of outstanding tweets.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM— premarital sex haver (@hurlarious) September 7, 2015
the exact moment my dog realized that the cat was coming home with us for good pic.twitter.com/ycqfA9relO
— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) August 31, 2015
All my kids are grounded until one of them fesses up to giving Naked Gun only 1 star on Netflix.
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) October 19, 2015
Sometimes I worry that maybe I'll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
— jenniferlauren (@jenhasgreathair) January 9, 2015
My wife and I have an agreement, we each get to choose one celebrity crush who could murder and eat us
— Unoriginal Tweeter (@LostCatDog) December 24, 2015
[book dedication]
To my mother for loving me unconditionally and to my father for being more realistic.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 5, 2016
what's a normal amount of people who say they've talked to their therapists about you
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) January 2, 2016
Until my mouth is filled with hundreds of teeth like a shark's I cannot see myself as an apex predator or even top 5 in my biome
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) December 22, 2015
I tackled a wicker polar bear because I thought it was my old high school bud, Terry, wantin' to roughhouse. I'm going through some stuff.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) December 26, 2015
I like when people smoke American Spirits, because it seems like Native Americans are very slowly getting their revenge.
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) December 27, 2015
If you were Minnie Driver and you didn't drive a Mini Cooper and call yourself Mini Driver then what the hell is even the point of you
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) December 17, 2015
I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.
— dak (@daplusk) May 3, 2015
damn ads on Instagram I almost liked a Ritz Crackers post I still might I dunno those are pretty good actually
— Meth Lab for Cutie (@kiralc) May 22, 2015
I want to travel back in time and hold all my friends as babies.
— Emily Strachan (@EmilyStrachan) January 5, 2016
i miss the days where if you wanted to stalk your ex on social media you had to intercept one of their ravens
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 23, 2015