Mike
As another year comes to a close, you can always count on one thing: 15 more top-notch tweets coming your way.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) August 18, 2013
Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) March 28, 2015
i ultimately stopped dating because i figured i should give some dudes a chance to develop their own taste in music
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) December 24, 2015
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
— trev (@sploosk) September 12, 2014
Right, time to go back and look at all of the websites I previously visited that were "under construction".
— Pokémon Go to Hell (@markleggett) December 5, 2015
all finished with my teeth cleaning, and now off to my secret 2nd dentist for some much-needed attention & praise
— jeremiah st cyr (@MiahSaint) December 10, 2015
I want to know what happens in those 3 minutes when someone is typing and typing and typing, then only sends "k".
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) December 22, 2015
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want— Marin Hubka (@marinhubka) August 29, 2015
The Allman Brothers couldn't have had a woman in the band for two reasons
— eric af (@ewfeez) November 16, 2015
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) December 7, 2015
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
— BevisSimpson (formerly known as Funny Website Man) (@BevisSimpson) July 20, 2015
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) December 6, 2015
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
— The Walking Marbles (@maebemarbles) May 12, 2014
*date leans in* Tell me something I don't know about you.
*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) November 5, 2015
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) November 13, 2015