Please enjoy these words that have been arranged in various pleasing ways.
No, I’m not fluent in sarcasm, I only took it for a couple of years in high school and all I really remember is this sentence.
— maura "are jack and biz nazis?" quint (@behindyourback) June 3, 2014
I hear Star Wars: The Force Awakens is the first movie to pass the Bechdel Test in less than 12 parsecs.
— Joe R (@Randazzoj) December 15, 2015
I was born on Christmas Day. It's not easy to compete with the birth of a Middle Eastern wizard that might come back from the dead.
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) December 16, 2015
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) September 25, 2015
Benedict Cumberbatch looks like if you had to build a face out of just triangles
— Turkey Jerky (@MarkAgee) December 12, 2015
I'm a world traveler. A resident of a plane of existence. A tenant of the universe. But, yes, for this job application, I live in my car.
— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) December 11, 2015
I learned everything I know about cursive from studying the Walp Disnep logo.
— Sloth o' War (@Sloth_of_War) December 7, 2015
Hunting isn't a sport because 1 team doesn't know they are playing. The Eagles don't start playing the Patriots while they're eating dinner.
— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) December 18, 2015
I was homeschooled and our school mascot was a half-unloaded dishwasher.
— young hope (@hopiecan) January 24, 2014
We're in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn't looked down yet
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 13, 2015
I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) January 23, 2015
I learned only one thing in private school, and obviously I can't tell you what it is because it's private.
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) October 14, 2015
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
— jess (@jessokfine) April 3, 2015
why did everyone play the recorder in fourth grade what were they training us for
— Cary (@CaryGutin) December 7, 2015
The next time someone hands you a flyer on the street, you say "i've been waiting for this moment my whole life" & you friggin mean it
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 11, 2015