Mike
Kick off this holiday week with a cornucopia of hilarious tweets.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
— Joseph Scrimshaw (@JosephScrimshaw) March 10, 2015
person giving me advice: just be yourself
me: haha. Hahaha. Hahahahahahahahaha
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) November 21, 2015
[watching hunger games with date]
me: *sees on-screen kiss* haha more like the THIRST games
date: yes you've said that nine times— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 24, 2015
Lacrosse is my favorite sport that combines looking like you're trying to catch a butterfly with having no friends
— I️ I️ I️ I️ I️ I️ I️ I️ I️ I️ I️ (@dearjhonletter) September 29, 2015
When I was a kid the climate was a badass and didn't change for anyone.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) November 11, 2015
I'm sorry I threw a ping pong ball into your Starbucks, I got confused by the red cups
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) November 16, 2015
Life isn't about the moments that take our breath away. That's asthma. You're thinking of asthma.
— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) March 6, 2013
My favorite thing to do at the gym is leave
— lisa goodwin (@LisaGoodwin1) February 8, 2012
What I like about Bernie Sanders is that he definitely seems like he'd yell at someone else's kids.
— Turkey Jerky (@MarkAgee) October 14, 2015
Billy Dee Williams has been simply masterful at distracting us from realizing his real name is William Williams.
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) October 12, 2011
My living will is a 55 page document that says "more like" on the cover then has 53 blank pages and on the last page it says "living won't"
— At least I have the gym and my stocks (@danchovy) October 16, 2015
"Pray, love, eat." — A mantis
— Elle Oh Hell plus several ellipses……………. (@ElleOhHell) September 10, 2015
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now— FroVoving (@fro_vo) May 9, 2015
I have arrived for the positive thinking workshop. The class is half empty.
— ᴺᶦᶜᵏ ᴴᵃʳᵛᵉʸ (@mrnickharvey) January 17, 2014
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
— Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. (@Home_Halfway) January 30, 2015