Happy Monday, you lucky readers of hilarious tweets.
Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for Adele's music.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) October 25, 2015
https://twitter.com/klickitatstreet/status/657788578986983424
Some days I felt like changing my name to Pepsi just so waiters would ask if I was ok.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) October 13, 2015
Moms are just cops who love you
— kid block (@senderblock23) October 23, 2014
People write scripts at Starbucks because being in Starbucks usually keeps you from masturbating.
— Erik Allen (@Erik_Allen) October 21, 2015
Dr: How are your reflexes?
Me: Sometimes I forget I'm wearing a hat and when I see the brim I instinctively duck out of the way.— erin chack (@ErinChack) October 16, 2015
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 17, 2015
Tombstone of two of the best breakdancers pic.twitter.com/i1riSYFsOo
— Mike Glazer (@glazerboohoohoo) September 25, 2014
Life is about finding people that share the same amount of not talking that you're into.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 17, 2015
"You're a great catch!" -someone who threw you back
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) September 19, 2015
Before the Internet you had to be really good looking to be super mean.
— Gladstone will leave here for a Nazi-free site (@WGladstone) October 20, 2015
take the advertising industry down in one easy step by liking yourself
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) November 11, 2013
I thought Macklemore was how southerners say Michael Moore I didn't know he was a person
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) September 7, 2015
sometimes people ask me why i dislike crime so much. well first off, it's illegal
— they shouldn’t have done this, in my opinion (@unbub_) July 7, 2015
i saw this tire shop offers to rotate your tires and I'm thinking, pal that's called driving. it's how I got here
— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) October 21, 2015