Mike
Good Monday to you. Sink your eye-teeth into these word-snacks.
https://twitter.com/Nahdude83/status/513164156824850432
"Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks." *hits tree with axe* " Take me for example. I just hate trees."
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) May 27, 2014
ugh where are you supposed to meet single people? i tried my hallway, my living room, and even my kitchen. what am i doing wrong?
— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) September 11, 2015
The most beautiful person I can imagine is a mix of all the races and is holding a large loaf of cheesy garlic bread.
— lady bird seph (@ladybroseph) September 10, 2015
My dog stares blankly out of my pillow-fort space-ship as I dab whiskey out of my beard. "Friends? Where we're going we don't need friends."
— sleeping pedlar (@chrisjoonior) May 29, 2013
blue whales have the largest penises on earth (4-6 inches)
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) September 2, 2015
When someone says "sorry it's so messy in here" regarding their mostly clean car I laugh so loud I cough up several pieces of trash
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) September 9, 2015
Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don't confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) May 13, 2014
"remember two years ago when you were dating someone you thought you were going to marry? here's a picture of it" – facebook
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) August 24, 2015
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) September 5, 2015
Most genies won't tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) August 15, 2015
That awkward moment when you try to start a food fight by throwing a sandwich but the guy just catches it and says "thanks for the sandwich"
— Dr. Tyler Lemco (@tlemco) December 19, 2012
If you accidentally lock eyes with a visibly pregnant woman, make the finger in the hole motion then point at her stomach.
— Slaydrienne (@TheBlessMess) April 23, 2015
Cats are just fuzzy houseplants that hate you.
— scott linnen (@ScottLinnen) January 15, 2015
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
— Elle Oh Hell plus several ellipses……………. (@ElleOhHell) August 18, 2015