Mike
Treat yourself to a laugh amongst these outstanding tweets.
When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) May 18, 2013
Was in a public restroom that had a sign saying "Only flush toilet paper down the toilet." And I was like "What do I do with my poop?!"
— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) July 31, 2015
Crows are probably smart enough to start a petition to change their name to Licorice Doves.
— Alicia Tobin (@AliciaATobin) July 25, 2012
Mother always said, "When the bread gets hairy it's time to feed it to the angel babies." She had no concept of mold or birds.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) August 21, 2015
donald trump looks like the villain in a movie where the hero is a dog
— public affairs? keep mine private! (from my wife) (@ruinedpicnic) August 29, 2015
If a tree falls in the forest, can't we all agree that it's being a *little* dramatic?
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) August 13, 2015
bailiff: do you promise to tell the truth and nothing but the truth so help you god
me: no
bailiff: [whispering to the judge] what do i do— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) August 17, 2015
By the time he was my age, Lee Harvey Oswald had already shot a PRESIDENT. i haven't even shot a normal person
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 14, 2015
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they're the only person watching you
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) August 4, 2015
Let's ask him. Hey Jesus on the cross bobblehead, are you an appropriate work desk trinket? He says… whoa he's really excited, he says yes
— vineyille (@vineyille) July 15, 2015
[OR]
Scalpel.
"Scalpel."
Another scalpel.
"Another scalpel."
*turns toward nurse with scalpels in mouth*
I'M WALRUS DRACULA! BLAHH!— Ray (@SirEviscerate) August 19, 2015
Please stop arguing with me about my choice to be vegan. It takes a lot of energy, and I get winded easily.
— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) August 27, 2015
my fitness goal is to resemble an anime character. I want 10 abs. I want people to look at my body and say "that's anatomically inaccurate."
— the cran man (@bromanconsul) September 3, 2015
[Job interview]
"Can you explain this gap in your résumé?"
Me: "I fell asleep on the space key."— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) August 10, 2015
https://twitter.com/tnylgn/status/387350810176147456