Enjoy the twitter birds’ clever words called tweets.
The hardest thing to steal is probably scissors because you can't run away.
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) August 20, 2015
Men: confidence is sexy
Me: oh my god wait til you find out about feminism you're gonna love it— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) August 28, 2015
just realized my phone doesn't have a gravestone emoji and now I don't know how to mourn
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) August 16, 2015
The kraken is your new stepdad. His tentacles are doings small circles on your moms thigh while he talks about boats.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) August 9, 2015
A $19.99 bill with Billy Mays on it instead of a president.
— dEVIN fOREAL (@DvnFrl) July 14, 2014
My mom once swore at me for so long and so creatively that other children gathered around and cheered like she was winning a rap battle.
— Megan Pettit (@meganshpettit) July 20, 2015
I'm not racist but I think it's wrong that Gonzo was married to a chicken
— Marie Colette (@MarieColette) August 6, 2015
goodminton: let's slap around a cute little ball
badminton: no let's use a shuttlecock— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) August 25, 2015
Always a bridesmaid, never a terrifyingly silent and excruciatingly cold space monolith.
— ErinEph (@ErinEph) January 17, 2015
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 30, 2015
Shoutout to rugs that perfectly accentuate a room and double shoutout to being of an age to appreciate said rugs
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) August 29, 2015
No thanks Ouija boards, I don't even want to talk to the living.
— Guy Dangerous (@Lerky) November 17, 2014
I see some youths doing crime and put down my filthy bucket of clams. "It's clam jammin time, or something" I say, unsure of my catch phrase
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) August 25, 2015
You breed dogs? Don't they do that on their own?
— slaughthie (@slaughthie) July 31, 2015
"What's your name?"
Keith
"No, your surname"
Sir Keith
"No, your SECOND name"
*counts on fingers* Keith— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) August 5, 2015