I’m not saying reading these tweets will make this the best week of your life, but it’s a good start.
I'm unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
— crappystuffforjerks (@somecleverthing) May 25, 2014
before the internet everyone had to write their feelings on the palms of their hands and rub them into everyone else's face
— claudia turner (@cloudypianos) July 22, 2015
Gay marriage won't destroy America. Grown adults who have an entire "birthday week" will destroy America.
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) June 28, 2015
*spends 10 minutes rearranging dishwasher so I can fit the last bowl in*
*sees another bowl in sink*
*looks around*
*puts bowl in trash can*— dan mentos (@DanMentos) July 17, 2015
https://twitter.com/KelgoreTrout/status/622444295941853184
You're pregnant? I'm sorry to hear that. Get well soon girl.
— Cosondra Sjostrom (@cosondra) November 2, 2013
Hey boy, are you my password? Because you are insecure and weak as hell and ultimately will betray me.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) July 16, 2015
Americans. We mostly just don't want strangers sitting next to us.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) March 16, 2015
I spend a lot of time waiting to be hungry again
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) July 20, 2015
HOW TO BE A WRITER:
1. WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW
2. YOU KNOW ABOUT SHADOWFISH
3. YOU MUST WARN THEM
4. ABOUT THE SHADOWFISH
5. SHADOWFISH COMETH— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) July 17, 2015
The crows finally finished building their scarehuman. It worked.
— uel aramchek (@ThePatanoiac) May 25, 2015
That’s as American as:
A) apple pie
B) baseball
C) outsourcing jobs to other countries
D) gun violence
E) white Jesus
F) all of the above— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) July 4, 2015
My cats would be so offended if they knew I referred to myself as alone when we’re all hanging out together.
— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) June 16, 2015
5YO: [points at mime] what's he doing?
DAD: he's trapped in a box nobody can see
5YO: he looks sad
DAD: you'll understand when you're older— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) July 2, 2015
https://twitter.com/Sickayduh/status/443776216995078144