Mike
Is there any better way to start your week, than reading a perfectly crafted tweet?
What's your favorite thing about websites? I like getting mad
— Unoriginal Tweeter (@LostCatDog) April 27, 2015
This weather makes me want to eat mango off a machete
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) June 9, 2015
The most unrealistic part of Digiorno commercials is the idea that anyone would share a frozen pizza.
— Rachel Fisher (@TheRachelFisher) May 6, 2015
Wait, I can't tell people I'm 100% Native American even though I was born here?
— Evan J'daté Kessler (@EvanJKessler) June 12, 2015
How's my Twitter account? Oh you mean my sustained one man play about soul-crushing delusional narcissism? In progress!
— Gladstone will leave here for a Nazi-free site (@WGladstone) June 9, 2015
https://twitter.com/thenatewolf/status/608734472767340544
I love my parents because they're like "We love you no matter what" whereas the rest of the world wants to make me earn it
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) June 10, 2015
The Cliff's Notes for "What to Expect When You're Expecting" is just a picture of the word "fun" with a line through it.
— Randamonium (@torrami) June 3, 2015
My bikini body is brought to you by the fact that I just put a bikini on my body, went to the beach & dealt with whatever it looked like.
— Stephanie Mickus (@smickable) June 6, 2015
[sand castle competition]
and now it's time for our cat judges to take a look at the contestants- oh god what are they doing— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) June 3, 2015
Things could be worse, you could be a tiny little mouse moving out west with your family, being tormented endlessly by cats along the way.
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) May 29, 2015
So it turns out BFF stands for Best Friends Forever, not Bring French Fries so I'm gonna need that necklace back thanks
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) June 4, 2015
Brita Filters: for when you're thirsty tomorrow.
— Spencer Robinson (@13spencer) June 8, 2015
https://twitter.com/Molly_Kats/status/604410559971381248
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as "all of it."
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) June 4, 2015