The following tweets provide 100% of the body’s weekly required laughter:
We built this city on rock n roll. The streets have no names. The midnight train goes anywhere. Stairways climb to heaven. Tbh its a gd mess
— ibid (@ibid78) June 19, 2014
Today sucks more than a tyrannosaurus fielding ground balls.
— Larry (@VocabuLarry) April 12, 2011
Oh, I'm the kind of smart that makes me angry, not successful.
— ••• Ahm ••• (@Ahm76) September 17, 2012
*Walks up to someone picking up their dog's poop*
"Whatever he's paying you, I'll double it."
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) May 10, 2015
you kids better stop dancing or so help me god I will turn this beat around
— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) July 3, 2014
"Not sure if you got my last email" is a polite way of saying "ANSWER ME OR BURN, FOOL"
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 23, 2015
My summer look is "abandoned scarecrow"
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 27, 2015
https://twitter.com/itsa_talia/status/604030350063370241
I know it's cliché, but I can't help but listen to the Donkey Kong theme music when I'm on the barrel jumping machine at the gym.
— Cortronic (@cortronic) April 29, 2015
If you ever feel lazy, just remember that there were 126 years between the invention of the monocle and the invention of eyeglasses.
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) May 23, 2015
One time a girl sang the national anthem so aggressively I had a panic attack.
— claudia turner (@cloudypianos) May 20, 2015
The biggest change we as a society need to make is showing a bit more hustle when crossing the street.
— SCARYSTOTLE (@STOTLE) May 20, 2015
Wanna feel old? Kids today don't recognize the beginning of "Under Pressure" OR "Ice, Ice, Baby."
— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 22, 2015
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 21, 2014
Think you love someone? Close your eyes and listen to them eat.
— Ray! (@dragnut) February 24, 2013