Happy Monday! Here are some tweets…
MUGGER: GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OR I'LL SHOOT YOU
ME: *realize I won't have to pay student loans back if I'm dead*
MUGGER: ???
ME: I'm thinking.— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) February 24, 2015
♫ Hey now
You're a dog park
Get your run on
Fetch, plaaay
Hey now
Go ahead bark
Dig a big hole
Sit, staaay ♫
and I keep stepping in poop ♪— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) April 21, 2015
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 28, 2015
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. "It's pronounced Jarfield" he says through tears
— Shawn (@online_shawn) December 10, 2014
Police: We'd like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband's disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) April 23, 2015
It's a good idea to say "I know you can talk" to every animal you meet, just in case.
— mindflakes (@_mindflakes) March 13, 2015
https://twitter.com/madeleinedoux/status/571407475511058432
My signature move is telling someone, "Allow me…" and then doing that thing way slower and WAY worse than they could have done themselves.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) March 2, 2015
[shipwreck diary]
Day 5: I haven't had sex in over 6 months— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 29, 2015
SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing—
DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates— leon ⛈ (@leyawn) April 8, 2015
Pinot:
[holds up wineglass]
Pinot Noir:
[holds up wineglass in trenchcoat. It was a rainy night. the kind of night that asks a man who he is— bog diva (@bromanconsul) January 5, 2015
the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the Top Gun volleyball scene
— slick (@dlicj) January 14, 2015
I don't want to be reincarnated just because of how high the chances are of being reborn into the Duggar family
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 1, 2015
a young Guy Fieri, waiting bravely for his first bus to Flavourtown, nervous, eager, ready
— village fetish (@botandy) April 5, 2015
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
— Abby "I too would prefer 0 Nazis, thanks" Yep (@abbycohenwl) September 19, 2014