Jeff Wysaski
There’s nothing better than a finely crafted Twitter joke. Okay, there are plenty of things, but these are still pretty great…
age 15: I can be anything!
age 25: I can be several things
age 45: I can't believe this hot water heater isn't working. It's brand new— Ristolable (@Ristolable) March 7, 2015
[first date]
WOMAN: are you religious
SUFJAN STEVENS: may i sing my answer— im excited to do a long display name (@somelightcrying) March 2, 2015
"Will he ever wake up?"
He's been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
— The Dogfather (@matt___nelson) April 19, 2015
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
"MY ETCH A SKETCHES"— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) April 15, 2015
MAN: What's in the bag?
ME: Groceries
MAN: So not magnets again?
ME: No
[a bus pulls up]
[my bag flies off & sticks to it]
ME: I can explain— Joe West (@joejwest) April 7, 2015
Daddy Bear -"Someones been sleeping in my bed."
Mummy Bear -"Wouldn't be the first time."
Daddy Bear -"It's been 3 years Sue, let it go."
— Fuzzy felt eyebrows (@TheRealNickKay) January 29, 2015
What idiot called them high heels instead of arch enemies
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) April 13, 2015
When you say it's selfish not to have kids, you're admitting it's better.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) April 18, 2015
A group of people is called a bummer
— eric af (@ewfeez) February 15, 2015
me: Yes of course
you: Do you think time-travel is actually possible— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) March 31, 2015
"your son can't read the chalkboard, he might need glasses"
he might need a couple glasses of fuckin beer… to deal with you bitchin at him— Mike F (@mikefossey) April 14, 2015
Me (at a bank I just robbed still wearing my mask): hi, I'd like to make a deposit
— luke [from online] (@internetluke) April 19, 2015
Many people only graduated high school physically.
— lady bird seph (@ladybroseph) April 7, 2015
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
— Pound Stupid (@aka_fatman) July 5, 2014