Jeff Wysaski
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) January 12, 2015
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can't stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion— Elle Oh Hell plus several ellipses……………. (@ElleOhHell) February 14, 2015
"WHAT DO WE WANT?"
A POPULAR SYNONYM FOR THE WORD NOW!
"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"
FORTHWITH!— Brennon Elzy (@BrandonElzby) September 19, 2013
"I kinda prefer the second reich." – nazi hipster
— aaron blitzstein (@BlitznBeans) September 18, 2013
Is it too much to ask to just stand on a mountain, holding my sword aloft as lightning strikes it without some asshole painting me?
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) March 3, 2015
[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
— Blank. (@sarcasm_inc) March 25, 2015
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: "and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth"
HER: "I must have sex with you immediately"— sensual online dad [ham] (@koalaslament) March 31, 2015
At Kanye's house they celebrate Wester
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) April 5, 2015
If you pet your pet rock enough times it will erode and you'll be alone again.
— math bae (@ascendingcarl) December 19, 2013
[alphabet naming committee]
okay what comes after O and P
let's just do O and P again but give em dicks— FroVoving (@fro_vo) March 7, 2015
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) June 4, 2014
DON'T YOU
*organ music*
TELL ME
*organ music*
TO CALM
*organ music*
DOWN— me, arguing from a carousel
— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) March 5, 2015
*Drops cup, dog freaks out*
"Haha, silly dog."
*phone rings*
"OH JESUS WHO IS IT HANG UP HANG UP"
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) February 16, 2015
[See's a guy playing bagpipes]
Son: Why's that man wearing a skirt?
Me: I think the real question is why is he sucking that musical octopus?— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) March 24, 2015
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don't need to do that— pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 25, 2015
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