A lot of these jokes are so stupid that they’re smart…
This cape is reversible but my decision to wear it to the custody hearing is not.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) March 25, 2015
Men: big boobs big ass small waist clear skin straight teeth and small labia minora
Women: I like guys over 6ft
Men: HEY. THAT HURTS 🙁
— Ms. Kelp Nougat (@TeknoGeisha) March 12, 2015
https://twitter.com/shutupmikeginn/status/503217643793678336
Every truck is a food truck if you're a cannibal
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 27, 2015
Imagine what your life could be like if you didn't click back and forth between the same five websites everyday longing for death.
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) February 7, 2015
ME: [gazing sadly into my orange chicken]
WIFE: look, i told you Panda Express was a Chinese restaurant, not a train station run by pandas— trent (@trentistweeting) March 27, 2015
[resturant]
ME: hmm what can u tell me about the king crab?
WAITER: he was a ruthless leader who conquered many lands before dying in battle— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) March 29, 2015
WAITER: Would you like any dessert?
DATE: No, just the ch-
ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) March 25, 2015
https://twitter.com/peeznuts/status/569710694414692354
"Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest" – T-Rex singing "Head, shoulders, knees and toes".
— Mat (@MatCro) March 25, 2015
A parent's job is basically a daily struggle to help a crazy person stay alive.
— Cats are the future (@iLikeCatShirts) February 9, 2015
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
— Princess Buttercup (@GoldenSpirals) February 15, 2015
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) January 6, 2015
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is 'babe'
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There's another 'B'
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) March 25, 2015
I know I've said this before but the amount of time I save saying "celeb" instead of celebrity is incredible. I may start a second family
— slick (@dlicj) March 25, 2015