Jeff Wysaski
It’s Monday and that means it’s time to check in with Twitter…
https://twitter.com/OtherDanOBrien/status/577911830510739456
This is your captain speaking, we're about to land, like my copilot Ben landed my ex gf, no Ben leave the intercom on they need to hear thi-
— ibid (@ibid78) March 2, 2015
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you're dumping me because you don't think I'm smart?
"yes brent"
*starts raining*
great and now sky water— brent (@murrman5) March 14, 2015
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I'll name this creature "Fly."
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT— ghost mom (@radtoria) January 21, 2015
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I'd been invited to an autopsy.
— d i v e r s i o n (@Diversion50) November 1, 2014
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.— phil (@PhilJamesson) March 17, 2015
[Lobster walks into a room on St Patrick's day and nobody is wearing green]
Oh hell yeah— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) March 18, 2015
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 17, 2015
It took years of therapy but I finally got over my addiction to therapy.
— keith (@ghostkrogh) August 28, 2014
[buying time machine]
"Gonna go back and kill Hitler huh?"
Me trying to cover up my homemade dinosaur saddle: "…yeaaaa"
— The Dogfather (@matt___nelson) March 2, 2015
"I don't think you understand how words work"
What? Hell, I overstand how words work— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 3, 2014
*Lego man gets home after a rough day at the office*
“Great, and now my house is a spaceship again”
— just don (@dongfuture) November 5, 2014
ME: (to avocado) I'm good fat too
— kid block (@senderblock23) March 22, 2015
At the bar: *Mario Bros. music plays*
Last call: *fast Mario Bros. music plays*
The next morning, hungover: *Underground level music plays*— pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 21, 2015