Jeff Wysaski
Twitter is an important website and these jokes are why…
"Describe yourself in three words"
"Lazy"
— Ben (@0point5twins) February 14, 2014
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) February 25, 2015
"That'll be $19.94."
*pulls out $50 bill*
"Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?"
*pulls out $25 bill*— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) February 1, 2015
*Obama in Japan*
You read right to left
We read left to right
But tonight we are equal
*spells racecar on wall*
*Japanese people go crazy*— Jersey (@SatansTongue) January 26, 2015
Macs ranked best to worst
– Fleetwood
– book pros
– n cheese
– klemore— kid block (@senderblock23) February 21, 2015
[DOCTOR] I'm afraid we weren't able to reattach your hands
[ME] will I ever be able to cut off my hands again?
[DOCTOR] what? no— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 10, 2015
[family rap battle]
Your flow is bad and your rhymes are co-opted
"Dad no-"
You look like a clown because son you're adop-
*mom unplugs mic*— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 12, 2015
You are your own worst critic. Your mom is also a way worse critic.
— Mae (@mzeld) February 27, 2015
I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 14, 2011
there is never a time i see a baby strapped to someone's chest and don't feel envy that i am not also strapped to someone's chest
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) January 15, 2015
I named a comet after you. It's called "piece of shit comet"
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 8, 2015
Damn girl are you from Tennessee? Because you have several outstanding warrants from the Tennessee court system. Step out of the vehicle
— batter up (@RxitWounds) March 2, 2015
*receives get well soon card*
Oh yeah, why didn't I think of that?
*gets well soon*— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) January 12, 2015
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I'm moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit— pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 13, 2015
*job interview*
You're on a island with no food and no water. Who do you want with you?
"Kool-Aid Man and Pillsbury Doughboy"
You're hired— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 10, 2015