Jeff Wysaski
Twitter: bringing you humor in 140-characters or less…
*swallows pride*
*reads the label*
'this pride may contain nuts*
oh no
*swells with pride*— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) February 1, 2015
https://twitter.com/madeleinedoux/status/570369059281248257
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
— Elle Oh Hell plus several ellipses……………. (@ElleOhHell) February 21, 2015
gonna open a pagan gym called Wiccan Work It Out
— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) February 25, 2015
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts "leave it Gary!"— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) July 22, 2014
My password for everything is weedfart0
"Why 0?"
Well Cathy that is the year that Jesus was born— stuart ); cardholder (@lil_aracuan) June 11, 2013
I just want to be rich enough to choose the colors on my walls.
— The Walking Marbles (@maebemarbles) February 28, 2015
[me narrating a documentary about jellyfish]
Look at this wet umbrella.— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 28, 2015
In high school I was voted most likely to be carried off by a large bird
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) February 27, 2015
If self-deprecation was a competitive sport, I probably wouldn't even get a medal.
— Jeffw (@Jeffwni) February 24, 2015
do u believe in love at first sight or should i Heely by again
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) March 1, 2015
♫ Hey now
You're a golf star
Get your putt on
Go plaaay
Hey now
Did you get par?
What's a sand trap?
No waaay
Once I pooped in the hole ♫— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) February 20, 2015
If you say 'Kanye West' in the mirror three times then there's a good chance you're Kanye West.
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) February 25, 2015
So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
"No I mean do you have any questions about the job?"— Adam Hess (@adamhess1) February 25, 2014
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Get the Vacuum and We Can Be Free
— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) February 20, 2015