Jeff Wysaski
Here are some of the best jokes from Twitter that I could find this week…
https://twitter.com/adamrensch/status/568991055649120256
All the stars in the sky are cars driving slowly by to watch the great accident that is earth.
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) February 20, 2015
[shows up late for date holding bag of water with goldfish in it]
"sorry, I couldn't find a sitter"— brent (@murrman5) February 13, 2015
If you don't have anything nice to say, sit next to me during the Oscars.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) February 22, 2015
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you're using a regular pen on your spare time?— andy (@crabgirl_) February 11, 2015
*driving home*
then he said i have intimacy issues. in front of EVERYONEwife: i told you it was a bad idea to rap battle your psychiatrist
— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) January 13, 2015
If a guy says he's gonna treat you like a queen, make sure you ask which queen because motherfuckers loved beheading queens back in the day.
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) November 7, 2013
Third base should be letting them hold your phone.
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) December 21, 2014
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
— Terry F (@daemonic3) January 9, 2015
"it takes more muscles to frown"
oh great how many muscles does it take to not feel dead inside, Cheryl. how many— sadvil (@sadvil) February 18, 2015
me: [quickly hopping into taxi] FOLLOW THAT CAR! AND STEP ON IT!
taxi driver: no yeah my day is going great thanks for asking— goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) February 17, 2015
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
"Sir, here's your 17 big macs and a large milkshake."
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) February 18, 2015
"The Theory of Everything" is the most depressing "Revenge of the Nerds" sequel I've ever seen.
— albertina rizzo (@albz) February 22, 2015
Wow you have beautiful eyes I was worried you weren't going to have any
— Nick "Mediocre at Best" Ross (@NickBossRoss) September 22, 2014
Pepsi: The Brand Waiters Have To Apologize For Carrying™
— Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) February 10, 2015