Jeff Wysaski
If you’re on Twitter, go follow all of these funny people…
Go to a store that sells camouflage clothing, go to the fitting room & put on the camouflage clothing. Leave undetected. The perfect crime.
— Lyle Clip Art (@Kyle_Lippert) February 8, 2015
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase "but there's a good chance I'm wrong about that"
— Gavin Speiller (@gavinspeiller) March 19, 2014
why do baby's clothes need pockets? what do they carry around? baby wallets? fuck off
— Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) May 26, 2014
"And the award for Most British Name goes to…"
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
"Helena Bonha-"
*spews*— James Pianka (@jamespianka) February 18, 2014
A good way to find out if someone is attracted to you is to realize it years later in a wave of flashbacks and regret.
— Karan Lyons (@karanlyons) December 11, 2014
My great grandfather lived in a trench for 14 months during World War 1. Today I got visibly frustrated a cafe's wifi password was too long.
— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) February 4, 2015
Not only do I not know the answers on Jeopardy, I can't even pay attention long enough to understand some of the questions.
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) December 31, 2014
[Confuses list of good first-date conversation topics with list of topics to avoid]
My ex makes $90k per year. What politics do you pray to?— im excited to do a long display name (@somelightcrying) February 7, 2015
"Bro check out that DILP."
"Where? Wait what's a DILP?"
"Dog I'd Like to Pet."— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) August 23, 2014
*bumps into a guy*
"Hey man what gives?!"
"We do."
*we start our own charity fund and become best pals*— kyle raney (@Kyle_Raney) August 14, 2014
"Let's order a little bit of everything and share!"
"Prepare to lose a race you didn't even know you were racing."
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) January 27, 2015
Listen. Enough of this bullshit. Adults have printers. That's the line. That's how you know. Got a printer? Congrats. You made it. Adult.
— Shelby (@smelbz) December 15, 2014
[in quicksand]
Safari guide: if you struggle you'll sink faster
Me: [struggles as much as possible]— elaine (@IRLPepperMD) January 15, 2015
https://twitter.com/NicestHippo/status/564451649578496000
No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) February 5, 2015