It’s Monday and that means it’s time for tweets…
[at job interview]
I'd really appreciate the opportunity to add working here to the list of things I complain about every day
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 22, 2015
[Restaurant]
"Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?"
Yes please
"THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN"
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) December 19, 2014
Keep it tuned to
ClassicHits on 102.9 fm!
Because like Prometheus,
whose organs were devoured
daily by vultures, you are
CHAINED TO THE ROCK— Jamie (from before) (@Jamie1947) January 16, 2014
[The Bachelor]
Some of you will be getting roses tonight…
[bee in the back]
AW HELL YEAH— Lucas Neff (@RealLucasNeff) January 27, 2015
AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) January 19, 2015
Her: What's your favorite position?
Me: Laying on my back staring at the ceiling until 4am questioning everything I've ever done.— Lyle Clip Art (@Kyle_Lippert) January 19, 2015
https://twitter.com/daneZie/status/557638111417880576
"You can't win, Vader. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
*wanders swamp as a ghost*
— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) January 29, 2015
why do baby's clothes need pockets? what do they carry around? baby wallets? fuck off
— Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) May 26, 2014
I'd like to say math class never helped me as an adult but tbh without 500 hrs of algebra to daydream through I'd be much worse as a writer
— bog diva (@bromanconsul) January 9, 2015
[a baby tries to say its first word]
baby: da-da
me: it's pronounced dad you moron— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) January 26, 2015
You might think that I, a person without children, wouldn't have advice for you about your own child. Well, heh, that's where you're wrong.
— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) January 26, 2015
Fun prank: take your long-time girlfriend on a hot air balloon ride & don't propose
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) January 17, 2015
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
"Tell me why."
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.— Thynebear (@Thynebear) January 18, 2015
*shows up to your super bowl party with Pacific Rim DVD and hopeful expression*
— Cohenâ¨is a Ghost of Christmas (@skullmandible) January 31, 2015