Jeff Wysaski
These jokes are even better than the ones printed Laffy Taffy wrappers…
[picks up a second bottle on the beach and finds a message inside]
"Whoops sorry, forgot the attachment the first time."
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) January 12, 2015
"Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" said mommy bear. "Who hasn't" muttered daddy bear. "What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!"
— Pete Gravedigger (@mean_crow) November 9, 2012
https://twitter.com/GrapeSodaJamb/status/372899876419682305
[Little Caesar's meeting]
"We need a new, clever slogan"
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
"Jim…U just saved this company"— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) December 15, 2014
[old lady grabs last donut on shelf]
"did you want that?"
"It's ok. You have it"
[we pass on the next aisle]
"Oh hello again, LIFE RUINER"— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) January 16, 2015
I left my chamomile tea steeping for too long and it turned into the new Coldplay album.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) May 20, 2014
Sometimes I think I'm cool and then I remember I was one of those roller backpack kids
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) December 19, 2014
Prison doesn't look so bad. It combines two of my favourite things: getting winked at and trays that keep green beans away from potatoes.
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) November 18, 2014
Her: this was a really nice first date
Me: if you are a lizard people you have to tell me
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) January 16, 2015
I now pronounce you man and…oh you're both looking at your iPhones. I'll wait.
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) September 21, 2012
Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You're the Microsoft Word Paperclip.
— Pokémon Go to Hell (@markleggett) September 12, 2014
Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100% prepared to figure skate at all times.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 8, 2015
Bill Murray always looks slightly confused that he's still alive.
— maura "are jack and biz nazis?" quint (@behindyourback) January 12, 2015
Have I thought about my plans after college? No.
Have I thought about how I'd respond to an 8-year-old argument if it happened today? Daily.— tony (@sadvil) January 5, 2015
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there's no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) January 8, 2015
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