Jeff Wysaski
Another week, another roundup of perfect tweets…
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She'd just show up one day like "I work here now."
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) December 12, 2014
https://twitter.com/brendohare/status/365169094883938305
[wife walks in carrying groceries and looks at kids] hey guys is your father ho[my custom wrestling entrance music starts playing] nevermind
— brent (@murrman5) December 24, 2014
We'd like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) December 23, 2014
If you could switch genders for one day what would you do?
Men: play with my boobs
Women: WALK AROUND AT NIGHT WITH HEADPHONES IN— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 10, 2014
"Dad why'd u name me this?"
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
"Oh ok"
Now let's go, Air Bud, we're gonna be late for church— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) August 9, 2014
tying a sweater around your neck says "i'm classy guy and i don't know how shirts work"
— J a k e (@JakeInRealLife) January 9, 2014
*gets waitress's phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
"Napkins????"— Ristolable (@Ristolable) December 19, 2014
*falls dramatically on therapist's sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) November 18, 2014
https://twitter.com/trashkeepr/status/426424754426232832
I love self-deprecating humor. I just wish I was better at it.
— blurdia blurgan (@blaudiablogan) June 17, 2014
Is this Debit or Credit? Jesus Christ, I have no idea. It's a plastic card. Just make it pay for stuff and let me leave with my Totinos.
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) November 20, 2014
BREAKING: NASA reveals the reason we haven't been back to the moon is Moon Spiders. "the moon is fucked up as hell," said one scientist
— mustardsgiving (@nice_mustard) October 13, 2014
I CALL WHISKEY "TEXTIN JUICE"
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) February 25, 2014
I'm trying to take a photo of myself in the shower but the water isn't very hot.
I've got low selfie steam
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) December 20, 2014