It’s time for your Monday roundup of awesome tweets…
it always annoys me when people refer to depression as "battling demons" because what I have sucks and battling demons would be cool as hell
— albog (@bromanconsul) August 13, 2014
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 24, 2014
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) November 26, 2014
*notices zipper is down*
OMG!
*zips it up*
FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I'll do it myself— Hippo (@InternetHippo) November 10, 2014
"Dad only calls u nicknames because he doesn't know your real one"
Shut up yes he does
[dad walks in]
"Hey there sport"— elaine (@IRLPepperMD) November 30, 2014
[at goverment office]
hi yes um.. my social security number isnt workimg. i've never once felt secure in a social situation— jomny sun (@jonnysun) November 21, 2014
*Wakes up*
Ugh my head. What did I do last night?
*flash back to me going to sleep*
Hell yeah— dead acct (@DillDoes) November 21, 2014
*shakes your hand horizontally instead of vertically so you know you're in for a friendship with challenges that will make us stronger*
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) November 21, 2014
Is it okay to break up by text if you've only been married two years?
— lady bird seph (@ladybroseph) August 27, 2014
[Calls boss]
I won't be in today
"Why?"
*looks at hamsters in tin foil suits of armour ready for medieval battle reenactments*
Heart attack.— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) October 3, 2014
7 year resume gap marked "Not Drugs"
— The Christmas Creep (@HelloCullen) March 19, 2014
"Table for two please."
"Do you have reservations, sir?"
"Well I don't know if I'm ready to date again. I've been hurt before."— ibid (@ibid78) September 23, 2014
me when other people get sick: it's probably bc of their awful garbage lifestyle
me when i get sick: why do bad things happen to good people— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) November 25, 2014
The older you get the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder
— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) November 27, 2014
https://twitter.com/philyuck/status/538406741256327170