Jeff Wysaski
'some ppl call me the space cowboy'
um okay
'some call me the gangster of love'
sir
'some call me m-'
sir we just need a name for your latte— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) November 11, 2014
"hey what's that sqiggly thing on the ground?"
"i don't know, it looks kinda like a w or m"— how the worm got its name
— FroVoving (@fro_vo) December 14, 2013
*takes judge’s mallet*
*bangs it twice*
“I declare myself innocent“
Judge: Son of a
“And get me pizza”
*bailiff looks over*
Judge: *nods*— noog (@noog) September 12, 2014
https://twitter.com/KelgoreTrout/status/460867091089096705
Doctor: You contracted onomatopoeia
Me: Is it serious?
Doctor: It's just as bad as it sounds
— premarital sex haver (@hurlarious) October 10, 2014
I'm so hungry I could eat like half a bowl of dressingless salad
— Mary "get rid of the Nazis already" Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) November 13, 2014
In a disturbing national trend, dogs are becoming less concerned with who's a good boy.
— Beau Hartenstine (@madcaplaughs30) July 3, 2014
https://twitter.com/KevinFarzad/status/536696712975245312
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 18, 2014
Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) November 13, 2014
After the divorce, Bob The Builder realized he couldn't fix everything
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) February 21, 2014
[Walks into kitchen]
Hey, honey, do you know where I left my updog?
"I want a divorce"
Not much, what's up with you?— Tim (@Playing_Dad) October 27, 2014
*bug meeting*
Ok Larry, today you bump around the open window, but NOT thru it. Gordon you sit in the bath and I'll fly in a square shape
— Little Rocket Jim (@Turbo_Jimmy) July 28, 2014
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) October 21, 2014
Pro Tip:
-Order a pizza from 3 separate places
-Have them delivered at the same time
-Put on tuxedo
-Hold a rose ceremony at your front door— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) August 17, 2014