Jeff Wysaski
sleep well?
"no, I had a dream I was a quarterback and a race car driver"
please don't, the kids are aroun-
"I TOSSED AND TURNED ALL NIGHT"— brent (@murrman5) November 16, 2014
*has a nice day* *goes back to see checkout girl*
I did it
— WigCannon (@WigCannon) September 26, 2014
Why call it a belly button. It doesn't DO anything when you press it.
*click click click*
See?
*neighbor's garage door slamming up and down*— Elle Oh Hell plus several ellipses……………. (@ElleOhHell) November 3, 2014
https://twitter.com/JhonRules/status/508001292111708160
"Say Yes to the Tux" would consist of him picking out the 1st one he sees & then 28 minutes of him explaining to his fiancé why it's orange
— batter up (@RxitWounds) October 26, 2014
Waiter: Hi, can I take your order?
Me: *whispers* I order you to love me— moody monday (@mdob11) September 11, 2013
Anytime I see a cop with a radar gun I like to pull over and throw a few fastballs incase hes actually an undercover MLB scout.
— Adam (@daadvaims) April 27, 2014
"PUT DOWN THE GUN!"
"Gun, you ugly and come from a broken home."
"THAT WAS PERFECT BUT PHYSICALLY PUT IT DOWN."— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 20, 2014
missed connection: you were at home streaming Netflix. I was at a different home, also streaming Netflix
— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) July 10, 2013
*travels back in time to middle ages*
Me: and this is penicillin it-
Villagers:SHOW US THAT EMOJI AGAIN I LIKE THE 1 WITH THE SUNGLASSES— joseph turkey (@sad_tree) August 24, 2014
I feel like 90% of my time is spent waiting until it's a socially acceptable time to have my next meal.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) July 2, 2014
https://twitter.com/SocialExtortion/status/526404467458318336
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last "i" to an "e", draws downward arrow*— several onions (@Amusitr0n) June 2, 2014
TURN DOWN FOR YOUR FATHER WHO JUST BOUGHT YOU BRAND NEW SOCCER CLEATS AND TOOK YOU AND YOUR SISTER TO PANERA, THAT'S WHAT!
— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) July 16, 2014
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) April 10, 2014