Jeff Wysaski
Here are a few top tweets to help start out your week…
video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
— lawblob (@lawblob) April 13, 2014
Therapist: "What traits are you looking for in a man?"
Me: "Warm, buttery and flakey."
T: "You just described a croissant."
M: "Exactly."
— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) March 29, 2014
"Hi nice to meet you, I'm a person whose name you're forgetting as I say it"
— Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) September 6, 2014
Sex can be a spiritual experience. Especially the praying for it part.
— (((guterman))) (@danguterman) October 14, 2014
Genie: I shall grant you three wishes
Me: I wish for world pea-
Genie: BORRRRRIIIING your eyes can shoot lasers now, next wish
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) April 12, 2014
https://twitter.com/AceMakesWords/status/415708578075250689
Can't believe how different booty calling and butt dialing are
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) July 12, 2014
Your husband is a in a better place, Mrs. Smith. He's in the stomach of a shark now. How badass is that
— Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. (@Home_Halfway) April 30, 2014
my phone autocorected "im bored" to "im boring" and i was like, yeah
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 26, 2014
*stripper bursts out of cake*
*alien bursts out of stripper*— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) May 31, 2014
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) September 15, 2014
GREG: Goodnight moon.
*4 hours later*
MOON: U up?
— Greg Dorris (@GregDorris) September 30, 2014
Missed connections: you were at the weird al show. I was the guy who leaned over to say "no wonder they call him weird al" after every song
— Alex Nichols (@Lowenaffchen) July 27, 2013
"You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you." -Carly Simon
"Guess who this song is about! Guess!" -Taylor Swift
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) October 23, 2014
https://twitter.com/SeanBlazed/status/363027138221309953