Jeff Wysaski
This is now a weekly post. Let’s all go enjoy the best that Twitter has to offer…
Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi?
Ma'am, that's a crockpot.— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) April 8, 2014
what if you added the letters S and E to the X files hahha. it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lmao
— EVERETT BYRAM (@rad_milk) April 25, 2014
Whenever my dog thinks he's hot shit I show him a pic of air bud and say "when he was your age he was in the NBA" and he's humbled so fast
— Jackson (@jrichiev2) April 1, 2014
"It's got 300 horsepower, sir." "Don't tell me in horsepower, tell me in…GIRLPOWER!" (rips off mask) (it's all 5 Spice Girls) (they pose)
— #1 VERY STRONG GUY (@markmarklittle) April 6, 2014
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) October 12, 2013
Sinbad isn’t just a comedian’s name – it’s also an extremely short summary of The Bible
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) August 21, 2014
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) May 24, 2013
"Can I have more of these mouse spears?"
"Sir those are toothpicks"
"I need 1000 for my army. We march at dawn"— Lyle Clip Art (@Kyle_Lippert) April 21, 2014
Bitches ain't shit but your mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, teachers, doctors, pastors, senators, judges, therapists, journalists, astro
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) February 20, 2014
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You're free now— dead acct (@DillDoes) August 21, 2014
You should see the other guy. Specifically, how good at fighting he is.
— The Christmas Creep (@HelloCullen) November 20, 2013
https://twitter.com/joryjohn/status/368515491070894081
Plot twist: those snakes purchased their plane tickets months in advance and had every right to be there.
— ibid (@ibid78) July 30, 2014
https://twitter.com/philyuck/status/362948821740814337
2 Chainz is crying as his mom sits on the bed.
"What if I find out I'm TOO Chainz?" he sobs.
"I think you're just enough Chainz" she smiles.— albog (@bromanconsul) August 7, 2013
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) December 7, 2013