Jeff Wysaski
These tweets are top-choice and you’d be a fool not to take five minutes and enjoy them…
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they're way too big for him.
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) January 24, 2014
I bought my gym membership at Costco and I've got 36-pack abs now.
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) October 25, 2013
https://twitter.com/NicestHippo/status/480375144704012288
The person that named the eggplant probably isn't allowed to name things anymore.
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) August 24, 2014
You say "potato"
I say "check"
You say "tomato"
I say "check"Yep, looks like we got everything on the grocery list.
— Terry F (@daemonic3) September 4, 2014
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) September 4, 2014
Jackson 5
X S Club 7
X Electric 6
– Blink 182
+ Maroon 5
+ Eve 6
+ U 2
____________
Sum 41— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) September 11, 2013
https://twitter.com/tnylgn/status/433616620460580864
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.— Ristolable (@Ristolable) August 13, 2014
Wu-Tang clan ain't nothin to fuck with
"Is that a testable hypothesis?"
Get the hell out of here scientific method man— luke [from online] (@internetluke) September 13, 2013
*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 14, 2014
To the girl crying on this bus:
Stop. If it were ok to cry on the bus, we'd all be doing it.
— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) July 29, 2014
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
"did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?"
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*— brent (@murrman5) April 28, 2014
[At Neiman Marcus]
*looks at sales clerk*
*holds up a Prada and a Burberry briefcase*
I don't know…which one will hold more chicken nuggets?— Jebby (@Jennuflect) August 19, 2014
"NO NO NO NO" – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
— famous crab 2016 (@famouscrab) December 13, 2013
I could never attend The World's Fair because it isn't.
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) January 24, 2014
https://twitter.com/daneZie/status/424145336148316160
I'm on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) April 28, 2014