Jeff Wysaski
Do you like funny people? Do you like Twitter? Then I have good news for you because you’re going to LOVE these funny people on Twitter…
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.
— maura "are jack and biz nazis?" quint (@behindyourback) January 22, 2014
Longest English word:
'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi'Longest Spanish word: 'GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL'
— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) February 6, 2014
3. @blindchow
Ain't no party like a CIA party cause a CIA party don't ██████.
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) March 19, 2014
4. @tarashoe
how bout i spell YOUR name wrong, Stahrbux. hm? how bout i pronounce it wrong, too, huh? you like that? how's that feel, Stlerbecks?
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) December 3, 2013
5. @pharmasean
If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
— warren christmas (@pharmasean) June 12, 2013
Kicked out of Macy's for yelling "This is a sham! IT'S A GODDAMN SHAM!" in the bedding department even though technically I was right
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) May 2, 2014
7. @thenatewolf
Capitalization can really change a sentence.
Example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) June 27, 2014
Don't cry because it's over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) August 27, 2013
Canada is my favorite country where 100% of the population would be sorted into Hufflepuff.
— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 6, 2014
10. @dubouchet
https://twitter.com/dubouchet/status/216983275770609664
11. @aaronburdette
Mario returns from another day of golfing, karting and tennis. "Did you do any plumbing today?" his wife asks. A hungry baby cries.
— Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) November 24, 2012
12. @danguterman
I've watched my wife fall asleep every night for the last 10 years. Still can't believe we've been together for almost 6 years.
— (((guterman))) (@danguterman) May 17, 2014
13. @mariecolette
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can't chase you because they're holding scissors. The perfect crime.
— Marie Colette (@MarieColette) July 12, 2012
14. @igotsmarts
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
— Steve “Please love me” Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) July 20, 2013
15. @allegraringo
If I scheduled a date with a guy and a friendly dog showed up instead, that's honestly the best outcome I can imagine
— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) November 24, 2013
16. @joshcomers
"My wife's a vegetarian, so we'll start with your most patient waiter"
— Josh Comers (@joshcomers) February 4, 2014