Jeff Wysaski
Did a feral animal, neighbor’s dog or your baby give you rabies? If so, then you are probably looking to keep your new and exciting brain virus a secret from friends and family. Let the word get out, after all, and pretty soon all your loved ones will be secretly plotting to put you out of your misery “Old Yeller style.” Additional reasons to keep your rabies a secret include:
- Inability to donate blood (and get free cookies)
- Reduced probability of ‘scoring’ on a date
- Job discrimination (studies show people with rabies are less likely to get a promotion)
- Biting strangers on the street is upgraded from misdemeanor to felony
As such, to live your life to its full potential before you eventually die of natural causes (i.e. sudden respiratory failure) keep these tips in mind to effectively hide rabies symptoms:
Hiding Excessive Saliva
Foaming at the mouth is the most obvious sign of rabies. To keep that saliva from constantly running down your mouth, consider:
- Eating lots of saltine crackers
- Stuffing cotton balls into your cheeks
- Taking up chewing tobacco so you can spit frequently
- Eating red candy and telling people you are simply “bleeding from the mouth”
Hiding Rabies Aggression
If you have rabies, then chances are you’ve gotten angry at least once since you started reading this article. Before you lunge forward and bite the computer again, maybe you should stop and think about how this behavior looks to the other co-workers in your office. To keep your aggression under check so you can avoid attacking all “those idiots” up in accounting, try these tips:
- Stop and count to ten before instinctively biting someone’s face off
- Steer clear of sports, political debates and other high emotion pastimes
- If you must kill, choose a prostitute or similar lost soul who won’t likely be missed
Hiding Rabies Seizures and Paralysis
In advanced stages of rabies, you will likely experience frequent seizures and muscle paralysis. Keep your loved ones from figuring out something is wrong by:
- Constantly listening to heavy metal music (if you have a seizure, it will look like you are just really getting into the music)
- Telling people you are rolling around in a wheelchair because you are “lazy”
- Laughing off slurred speech from face paralysis by calling it your “really bad Mick Jagger impression”
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