Jeff Wysaski
Boy, grocery shopping sure does EAT up a lot of time, doesn’t? Add in the driving time, parking, and waiting in line, and the chore pretty much NIBBLES away at the entire day. Well, if you have an APPETITE for streamlining your errands so you can KETCHUP on more enjoyable activities, then you can just go ahead and pat yourself on the back for CUMIN to the right place. Keep reading to learn a few tips on how to get your grocery shopping done in as little time (THYME) as possible.
Ignore Those White Lines in the Parking Lot
Do you know how long it takes to correctly pull into a parking spot? At least a couple of seconds. And what if you end up too close to the car next to you? Then you’ve got back up like a chump and try all over again. That’s why smart shoppers just pull into the parking lot and park wherever their car comes to a screeching halt. If you happen to be angled across three handicapped spots, well then so be it.
Worried about getting towed? Don’t be – you’ll be in and out of the store before that dumb tow truck ever arrives.
Run Up And Down the Aisles Screaming Like a Maniac
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that people will get out of your way if you run around screaming like a maniac. This will clear up the aisles so you can get around the store and grab your essential items with minimal hassles. Also, I don’t know if you knew this already, but running tends to be a faster way to get around than walking. So, yeah, extra bonus.
Ignore Those Empty Carts in the Front of the Store
Filling up an entire empty cart can take a while. That’s why I skip those empty carts at the front of the store and hold out for one of the full ones that are randomly placed throughout the store by other shoppers. Now, some people might tell you that taking one of these carts is stealing, but that’s a load of bull because the other customer hasn’t paid for any of the food yet (note: this is what you should tell the cops if they show up).
Anyway, just throw your essential items on top and wheel away as fast as you can. If anyone tries to stop you, then just start screaming again. They’ll back off.
Give Back Massages to People in Line
When it comes to the checkout line, incessant screaming may not be enough to get people to let you cut in front of them. If such is the case, then you might consider giving back massages to the people in front of you. This little tactic initially began as a pickup move I was attempting on the ladies. However, I soon discovered that, for whatever reason, people don’t like to be touched sensually by strangers. As a result, they’ll quickly get out of your way and let you jump the line if it means you’ll get your “grubby hands” off of them.
Skip the Bags and Get the Heck Out of There
Grocery store baggers are notoriously slow. That’s why you should just skip the sacks, throw everything back into the cart and wheel that cart right on up into the back of your HUMMER. Then, when you get home, dump the groceries on the ground for someone else to put away and wheel the now-useless cart into the creek behind your house.
——
If you liked this, then other humor blog posts you may like include: