There are many reasons why you might be looking to put a bear in a headlock. These reasons include:
- Win a bet
- Impress a girl
- Get a cool new Facebook profile pic
- Bond with a hillbilly relative
- Compensate for the size of your penis
Regardless of your motivation, the truth is that with the right method, anyone can put a big ol’ grizzly bear into a submissive headlock (yes, even if you’ve only got a wobbly pair of noodle arms). To do so, just follow these easy steps:
Get Stinking Drunk
If you’re over the age of 21, then you’ve probably noticed that most intimidating tasks are much easier to accomplish when drunk (asking out a girl, driving, performing oral surgery, etc.). This is because alcohol (a.k.a. liquid courage) helps drown out that “rational” conscience of yours that tells you you’re doing something “stupid” (like attacking a bear).
Find a Bear
This step is obvious, but depending on where you live, finding a bear to perform wrestling moves on may be difficult. To improve your chances of finding a bear, consider checking these places:
- Forest cave
- The Hundred Acre Wood
Smell Like Food
Bears are naturally afraid of humans (due to our superior wrestling skills). As such, it’ll take some trickery to get the bear within arm’s reach. Here are some food-centric ways to do so:
- Carry food in a backpack
- Chocolate-scented body wash
- Cover self in honey
- “Pizza hat”
Once the bear has a good whiff of you, it’s time to get down on the ground and play dead. This will make the bear think that you are dead, and totally not capable of pulling off awesome wrestling moves.
What the bear doesn’t know, is that he is a sucker.
Check the Sex of the Bear
Once the bear is close enough, you’ll want to get a close look at the bear’s crotch. If you see a penis, proceed to the next step. If not, stand down and let the lady sniff you and be on her way. Remember, attacking a lady is NEVER acceptable – even in the woods.
Dirt in Your Eye!
When the bear starts munching on your pizza hat, BAM – it’s time to spring into action by flinging dirt in his eye. Unable to see, now’s your chance to jump on the bear’s back and wrap your arms around that hairy neck. SUCCESS! You now have a bear in a headlock! To relish the victory, consider doing these things before you let go:
- Use your phone to snap a photo
- Give the bear a noogie
- Try and get the bear to “say uncle”
- Throw in a piledriver for good measure
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