A Viking's Guide to Pillaging

Whether you’re looking for a full-time job or just a fun way to spend some of your free time on the weekends, pillaging can be a great way to both relieve stress and earn a few extra gold coins while you’re at it. However, if the idea of running into a nearby village screaming like a maniac and setting fire to everything in sight makes you nervous, then you may need a few tips on how to get started.

Get over your nerves and start pillaging with the best of them with these simple tips:

Don’t Call Ahead to Tell the Village You’re Coming

The common courtesies of society have likely gotten you in the habit of calling ahead when you plan on visiting someone else’s house. However, while showing up unannounced may be frowned upon by friends and neighbors, all politeness should be thrown out the window when it comes to ransacking a village.

Why? Because giving villagers warning of your arrival gives them time to gather swords, shields and flaming arrows. And, as you’ll soon discover, getting struck with a flaming arrow greatly diminishes your ability to cut the heads off enemies and stuff valuable antiques into your giant burlap sack.

Run Into Town Like a Maniac

Walking into town like a civilized person doesn’t do much to strike fear into those you’re about to strong arm-into giving you all their possessions (plus, it’s just plain boring). As such, it is recommended you run into town screaming like a crazy person. For added effect, bring a big wooden club, sharpened stick or other type of makeshift weaponry with you so you can brandish it with reckless abandon. Also, for a nice added touch, put Alka-Seltzer under your tongue so it looks like your foaming at the mouth.

Bring Some Friends

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “If I bring friends with me, then that means I have to share the spoils of my pillage.” While this is true, it’s important to realize that there is strength in numbers. After all, if just one crazy person runs into a village brandishing a mace and screaming like a maniac, it’s not going to be long before he gets shot with a flaming arrow or two. In contrast, bringing along a bunch of friends helps create chaos and even the odds against all those able-bodied men in the village.

Plus, let’s not forget that it’s also just plain more fun to share your hobbies with your friends.

Get Really, Really Drunk

While stealing things can certainly be fun while sober, watching the huddled masses of villagers looking on with tears streaming down their faces can be a little bit of a downer. To numb the pain that comes with maiming someone’s father or taking someone’s wife as your own, it may be helpful to drink your fair share of mead before you run into the city.

Bonus! Alcohol helps slow your body’s internal systems, which may help slow blood loss in the event sword wound.

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3 Responses to A Viking's Guide to Pillaging

  1. Heather says:

    Yes, it’s good to dig up the old traditions every now and then–lest we forget. :) This is hilarious stuff.

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  3. Sandy says:

    Don’t forget to brandish a really huge axe. Everyone loves to see a big bloody axe flailing around in a fight. Makes the villagers run like scared mice too…

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