How To Become A God

Are you sick and tired of a power level that is not “all-seeing” and “omnipotent?” Have you been sitting around your apartment wondering why throngs of worshippers aren’t groveling at your feet? Are there people in your life that need a good smiting?

If you are human, then the answer to these and other questions is undoubtedly a resounding and enthusiastic, “Yes!”

Well, my friend, you can either sit back and pout about the lousy, flawed human form that fate so nastily bestowed upon you, or you can get up out of your La-Z-Boy and do something about it.

If you really want an entire world of intelligent life forms creating golden images of you and doing your every bidding, then you’ve got to buckle down and become a god. Here are some foolproof paths to get you there:

Die for the Sins of Others

When Jesus died for the sins of mankind, he ascended into heaven and immediately took the seat at the right hand of the Father (note: this seat was super comfortable – probably a padded chaise lounge with killer lumbar support or something). And now, millions of believers validate Jesus’ transition from man to God by uttering the phrase “Jesus is Lord.”

You too can take a seat right next to God by selflessly dying for the sins others. Sure, it may hurt when one of those people you’re dying for is nailing your hands and feet to a cross, but it’ll be all worth it just to have millions of people capitalizing pronouns (He, Her, Him, etc.) every time they reference you in the written word. Also, Jesus totally shreds on the guitar – so you’ll also have that to look forward to.

Become the Creator of Life

Don’t want to be just the Son of God? Skip right to the top of the heap simply by creating an intricate universe of complex life forms. Sound hard? Well, you’re wrong. All it takes is the ability to combine a complex series of infallible mathematical formulas and complex laws of physics in such a way that it creates perfect balance and harmony.

Once you’ve found a good spot outside of the universe to apply these laws, simply mix a bunch of things in a big pot (ammonia, carbon, Kraft French Vanilla Cool Whip, etc.) and BINGO! You’ve got yourself a universe all for yourself. Tip: when manufacturing life, be sure to create INTELLIGENT life forms. Otherwise, your world will be filled with animals too stupid to understand that they have YOU to thank for their existence.

Run a Bunch of Errands for Eurystheus

Upon completing 12 errands (sometimes called trials) for Eurytheus, Hercules became a great hero and was deemed worthy of becoming a god by Zeus and the other Greek gods. Now, it should be noted that these errands might be pretty difficult. For Hercules, they included slaying the 9-headed Hydra, capturing the 3-headed dog of the underworld, Cerberus, and doing other stuff to things that had more heads than inherently necessary.

However, seeing as how Hercules has already achieved all these incredibly dangerous feats for Eurystheus, it is possible that your 12 errands may be substantially less difficult. Catch him on the right day, and maybe you can sneak into Mount Olympus simply by washing his dishes or folding some togas.

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21 Responses to How To Become A God

  1. feargy says:

    Followed all the steps, fairly sure I am now a comedy god of somekind. Oh, wait no. I just had to destroy my newly created comedy universe for over-use of puns. “They wanna run around talking ’bout puns like I ain’t got none? What they think I sold em all?”

    Feargy
    http://anactorslife.wordpress.com

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  7. wrong says:

    ur wrong

  8. Anonymous says:

    I searched for this subject looking for history on the matter, and then i found this. I like it, its funny and day brightening. Keep it up

  9. Justme says:

    I think your very wrong there aloney one god that is are father in heaven you need help don’t make pepleo think you can be a god that just werid and wronge pray to god aks for forgiveness jeus die on the cross for are sin so that we are all save I don’t mean nothin bad for you but I just want you and everyone to know there is no such thing of being a god are have super power that very kidis god bless you man plesse don’t bevlein nothin like that you have a real father in heaven that loves you loves all of us so pless don’t think like that it’s not right pray to god in heaven

  10. sagar says:

    good idea brother!

  11. ricky says:

    you are very wrong my dear friend, you dont need to die for the sins of other truth is we could becomes gods throughout the power of the almighty satan, in the page joyofsatan.com will explain more. we become the gods when the kundalini snake rise throughout or seven chakras which is the base, sacral,solar, heart, throat, 6 eye, and the crownd. e dont need to die for other sin was kind of bullshit is that, and jesus is a jewish archetype that was made up to enslave the gentile population, and leave the power to a chosen few. and jesus is another thoughtform that has nothing but destroy the life of people, cuz that waht he did when mine, when i was a christian. for more information of the false christianity feel free to check out exposingchristianity, and to know the real truth behind the fucking jews check out 666blacksun.com. i been a satanist for quite alot basicly and satan is just the most beatiful caring loving god i had ever know and he wants to bring us to perfection and godhood, as we humanity are his creation. satan is also ea/enki
    hail satan 666
    hail azazel
    hail asmodeus
    hail the four gods of the duat

  12. ricky says:

    the jews made lies about satan , saying he this bad guy that is evil with these red horns, and red faces, and satan hates the jews, the jews 2 i mean you could see this in the hebrew dictionary where satan mean enemy and adversay , but if you search deeper satan in sanskrit the oldest language of humanity means, eternal truth, the infinity of eternal truth. god is a evil one, the real monster, you could see this in the old testament. the say lies about satan because they know who he is they also feared him, and they want people nowhere him because that would be the end for those fucking poser who is only making the world a miserable place

  13. Growing Power! says:

    Screw you man! If you are going to make light of a serious issue at least have the goodness to make it funny! When I do become a GOD you will be the first punk I smite!

  14. GOdorNot says:

    first off anyone that thinks they can become a god is just a moron, you would have to possess a knowledge and superiority that rivals even the worlds greatest minds i.e how to create life from nothing. In other words don’t bother trying to create a universe in your garage with the bottle of paint thinner you have to be huffing to think it was possible in the first place. And slow down on the twinkles and hoe hoes cause no matter how big your ass gets sitting in your lazy boy in front of the TV no one will ever build statues of you or grovel at your feet not counting of course the roaches in your apartment from neglect in your counter productive effort to become a god. Note that not all effort is counter productive you could spend your time passing out fliers to promote your ridiculous beliefs and insinuate mis-leading propaganda about yourself, but i am afraid it would more likely inspire the attention of people concerned for your mental health than it would followers in your absurd assumptions.

  15. GOdorNot says:

    just so you know my comments is a joke nothing more …..feel free to believe you are whatever god you think you are …because its funny and we will all just keep laughing at you…..lol :)

  16. rick says:

    If you want to be a god who smites then you might not take the easy trail up the mountain.

  17. Richie says:

    Becoming a God ain’t that easy, you will have to learn to posesses knowledge in your own way and think about how would you create life in the world otherwise you will fail your standards of becoming a God,you will have to be able to create intelligent life forms and understand the complexity of life.

  18. Jd sykes says:

    This is Awesome lol . . .I acctually was looking for something real and deep, but this was way better! btw there are some really cool and mind bogling answers to “How to become a God” The Illuminati give the best advice : )

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