RE: Petition to Change Local Landmark’s Name to “Candy Mountain”

Dear Mr. Trombley,

We appreciate your interest in local town government. However, I am afraid that we are going to have to deny your petition to rename our beloved local landmark from White Rock Mountain to “Candy Mountain.”

Inaccurate artist's depiction

Inaccurate artist's depiction

There are a myriad of reasons why we have decided to deny your request. Most notably, the fact that the mountain is not actually “made of candy.” Regarding the picture of “gumdrop trees” that you enclosed with your petition, clearly those gumdrops are not gumdrops at all. They are pinecones.

Additionally, the “chocolate lake” is merely a large puddle of mud, which from the looks of it, you deliberately created with your garden hose.

Mr. Trombley, I assure you that no part of our wondrous mountain is constructed from “sticky, gooey goodness.” Ask any geologist, and he will explain that such an idea is, sadly, an impossibility. Rather, the mountain is constructed largely of ordinary white granite rock. Given that the name of the mountain is currently White Rock Mountain, we feel there is no need to spend millions of dollars to alter road signs and reprint local travel brochures and other documentation at this time.

Furthermore, I feel the need to point out that your petition fell far short of the required 1,000 signatures required to meet local government rules. Even if our mountain was made of candy, seven signatures just isn’t enough of a groundswell to foster change.

Additionally, I suspect that several, if not all, of your enclosed signatures are forgeries. Though I have not checked the phone book, I highly doubt that either Chewy P. Nougat or Yum-Yum Marshmallow Fluff are citizens of this great town.

Given your obvious attempt at deception, I can only guess your true intentions for wanting your secluded cabin to reside on a “Candy Mountain.” However, given your repeated previous offenses regarding child labor laws, I must say I have my suspicions.

In regards to this, I must again request that you remove the series of “free candy” signs that lead from the base of the mountain up to your cabin doorstep. For one, numerous sources have informed me that you do not, as advertised, have any free candy at your cabin. For two, I must reiterate that an underground mine is no place for a child, even with proper work safety equipment. And for three, there are no “massive deposits of underground butterscotch” hiding below the surface of our mountain! Stop looking.

Thank for your time,

Mayor Roderick Barrington

P.S. Have you seen Billy? He’s been missing since Sunday.

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