How To Dispose of a Dead Body

First-degree murder. Someday it will be legal (God willing), but for now, us “outlaws” have to keep things on the down low. Let me guess, right now you’ve got an ex-loved one dead on the ground behind you (it’s your wife, isn’t it?) and you’re struggling to keep all that blood on your hands from getting all over the computer keyboard.

dispose of dead bodyI bet you thought the hard part was over. Well think again, buddy, because no matter what your motive for revenge (wifey was gonna call the cops, wasn’t she?), now you’ve got a big, heavy body to dispose of. And guess what? That cumbersome pile of flesh and bones is gonna start smelling pretty foul any minute now.

You’ve got to get rid of that body fast. And if you want to get away with your “crime” so you can enjoy your newfound freedom, then you’ve also got to be careful. After all, this isn’t your cocker spaniel’s dog poop we’re talking about here – you can’t just throw it onto the neighbors’ lawn and expect the problem to disappear on its own. You need a plan. To help out, here are some of the best ways to dispose of a dead body:

Dump the body in the woods: Our nation’s wooded areas are riddled with dead bodies. And why not? Dense forests provide plenty of cover during the actual burial. Plus, the body is unlikely to be found, because very few people go digging random holes in the middle of the forest (unless they’re burying a body, in which case, you probably won’t have to worry about them alerting the authorities).

Bury the body at your house: If you’re worried of being caught red-handed out there in the real world, use your own property to bury the body. That backyard rose garden is a perfect place to hide a body (bonus: human bodies make great fertilizer – those roses are gonna look great when spring comes around next year). If you’ve got nosy neighbors, then bury the body in the basement or encase it behind a bedroom wall. If you choose the latter, be sure to stock up on Febreze – that decomposing body is gonna get pretty rank.

Roll the body up in a carpet and throw it off a bridge: Got blood all over your tiger-skin rug? Kill two birds with one stone and throw the evidence and the deceased off a nearby bridge at the same time. Tip: choose a bridge that’s over a body of water. That freeway overpass may look convenient, but when that rug starts blocking up traffic below, someone will eventually look inside of it.

Chop the body into little pieces: Bodies are harder to identify when only partial remains are found. Make the cops work for that positive identification by dumping various parts of the body throughout the nearby city and countryside. Good places to drop body parts include dumpsters, lakes and the rental return box at Blockbuster.

Use acid to dispose of the body: If you’ve got a few barrels of sulfuric acid lying around (and who doesn’t these days?), you can get rid of the remains altogether by dissolving it. Be sure to place the body in a container that the acid can’t eat through. After neutralizing the acid, ideas for getting rid of the sludgy remains of the body include flushing it down the toilet, pouring it down a storm drain, or baking it into banana bread and feeding it to your enemies.

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22 Responses to How To Dispose of a Dead Body

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  3. lotusjune says:

    LOL..I save your blog as my farvourite just in case one day I or one of my friends might need it……you never know! LOL

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  5. Anonymous says:

    funny, but missing a lot of important details, for instance, you cant just put a body in a wall, the moisture and decomposing flesh will smell and cause mold, at least blead the body in a plastic lined bath tub w/ a pipe lining the drain as to not leave bloody evediance everywhere also cut it into managable pieces. not to mention that you downplayed the smell factor way to much, It reaks!!! and for a long time too, anyonee that enters your house will know exactily what that smell is, to counter this the best thing to do is put the body in a lot of concreate, and making a concreat wall takes time, na, the best thing is to make a hole in the floor, fill it 1/4 of the way with concreate, let it dry. take the pieces out of the deep freeze and put them in the hole and fill the rest of the way. this should avoied that sickly sweet smell from lofting through your walls and into tour house, but the body is doomed for discovery at that point as houses get old, they fall apart and need renovations with time or accedents happen, floods, watterlines, fires, etc.
    Next is the rug over a bridge concept, again, funny, that part about not thowing it onto a highway, but not very helpfull to someone with a problem, Right??? seariously flawed, first a rug is a bad idea even if you duct tape it closed, ure a non bioderatable heavy thick sinthetic sacks, again cut the body into pieces (blead first) put the pieces into the sacke w/a counter waight. punch a few small holes into the sack so the air can escape. this will prevent the sacks from floating. put all thies sacks into onre air tight sack (for transport) then freese them while you go rent a boat, adwayt drop them in the ocean, less chance anyone will smell the escaping gasses also its deeper and they wont wash up on shore.

    hay man, somtimes people need help, and giving them veuge information with all sorts of falicies attached to hummoris but half truth information can get them to trouble. and if someone gets in trouble because of what you told them you dont think they might be mad after thinking about it in a cell for 20 years.

  6. The perfect solution says:

    or you can just bath the body in liquid nitrogen and it will freeze like glass then you have nice statue unless its covered in blood which in that case you go into the garage and get a sledgehammer and make a huge pile of dust.

  7. Jmc says:

    I have a great Idea… How about you. Chop the body up Into little pieces and have a barbecue. Feed it to all the people you hate. (diabolical laugh).

  8. Keri says:

    Well thxs for the info cause i just killed my bf lol jkjk

  9. Jamie says:

    “If you’ve got a few barrels of sulfuric acid lying around (and who doesn’t these days?”

    I have some right next to the bottles of Plutonium in my house. I always have it there in case the police find out and I can get back to the future.

  10. shannen says:

    By the time I finished reading this my (EX) husband started smelling pretty bad. I wish I could read faster.

  11. Joe Heath says:

    There is lake between the us and canada that is owned by no one so you can dump the dead body or bodies there and not have the lake be searched. My teacher told me this soooo….have fun going to the us and canada border

  12. Adams says:

    U wil neva kill human an escape it.sooner or later d authority wil get hold of u.so be warned!!!

    • Jack says:

      HA! That’s funny….. Do you know how many unsolved homicides there are? Not to mention, missing persons that are never found? Not everybody gets caught…. Just sayin’

  13. joes smith says:

    the best why to get rid of a body is to past the blame on to someone else. plant blood, hair and pictures your enemy home. when the person leaves go in the back door, brake in then find spare keys then wait a month, kill the person some where you can hide the body safely for a day or two. then take blood, hair, and pictures of the person you killed plant them in your enemy home. then leave. now buy a pay as you go sim. get someone else to call the police and tell them you thing some one has been attacked. when the police come to the house and do a search they will find blood hair and picture in that house thinking that are friend. and so the person will get the blame. problem solved. but this plan will need more planing to make sure you get away with it. Good luck. :0)

  14. josh says:

    Why don’t you chop it in half, put in two separate garbage bags and replace sometimes trash on rubbish day?

  15. TumblingTroublesomeTumbleweeds says:

    First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Forcing a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don’t reommend that disposal method, I’m just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite.

    Assuming you have it inside a house where you can work on it a bit, the first thing you want to do is drain it of fluids. This will make it easier to cut up, and slow decomposition a little bit. The best way to do this quick and dirty is to perforate the body with a pointed knife, and then perform CPR on it. Cut the fronts of the thighs deep, diagonally, to slit the femoral arteries. Then pump the chest. The valves in the heart will still work when dead, and the springback of the ribcage can put apply a fair amount of suction to the artria. Do this in a tub. Plug the drain, and mingle lots of bleach with the bodily fluids before unplugging the drain to empty the tub. This should help control the stench of death, which would otherwise reek from your gutter gratings. Do everything you can to control odors. Plug in an ionizer, burn candles, leave bowls of baking soda everywhere. Ventilate the room in the middle of the night, but otherwise keep it closed. Keep the body under a plastic sheet while it’s in the tub.

    If you want to bury, I recommend seperating the body into several parts, and burying them seperately. For one thing, it’s easier to dig a deep enough hole for a head than for an entire body. this reduces your chances of being discovered while you are actually outside and digging the grave.
    That is the one thing you can’t do inside the doors of your house, and represents a vulnerable moment you want to keep brief, under 2 hours. Do it between 3 and 5 am. It’s also less likely for someone to call the police if their dog digs up some chunk of meat, than if they dig up an enitre body. They may assume it’s an animal carcass disfigured by decomposition, and leave it alone or dispose of it. It’s also more likely that the dog will consume all of it before anyone knows the difference. A whole skeleton is another story. You can cut a body into 6 pieces faster than you think. It’s not much different than boning a chicken, but it takes more work, a big knife, and time. A hammer will be useful for pulverizing joints or driving the knife deep where it doesn’t want to go. Anyway it’s wise to crush as much of the skeleton as you can along the way. It will aid in making the body less identifiable for what it is as it decomposes.

    Don’t return to the same site 6 times for 6 burials.You’ll attract suspicion from anyone nearby, and you’ll wind up placing the body parts close enough together to be found by any serious investigation. Put them in plastic bags with lots of bleach, and store in a freezer until you have enough time to bury them all.

    Depending on what tools you have available, you may find that you’re get really good at deconstructing the body. You might prefer to slowly sprinkle it down a drain without leaving your house. This avoids the long-term risk of discovery associated with burial, and the overwhelming supply of bacteria in a sewer accellerates deconomposition, whil e providing a convenient cover smell.

    Truly grinding down a body takes a lot more work, and you run the risk of fouling your plumbing and calling in a plumber. So don’t try it unless you know how to clear bones and meat out of a drainpipe. A good food processor can be useful. But don’t over-use it, or power drills or saws. They’re noisy and they attract attention. And forget the kitchen sink. It’s better if you actually remove one of the toilets in your house from its base, which will give you direct access to one of the largest sewer pipes that enters your house. Follow any disposals with lots of bleach and then run the water for 5 or 10 minutes on top of that. And plug that pipe when you’re not using it, to prevent any sewer gasses from backing up into your house. Usually, a U-trap inside the toilet does that for you.

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